Conservatiliciousness for All — The Wacky, Wacky World of ACC Comics, Part Three

Yes, I know it's photoshopped. But it's so appropriate...

Yes, I know it’s photoshopped. But it’s so appropriate…

One of the reasons I love Metalocalypse is its farcical sense of self-importance. In the show’s world, death metal is the most popular form of music and the band Deathklok is the world’s sixth-largest economy. It’s been described as the world that death metal fans wish existed.

Liberality for All takes that same attitude and transfers it to the real world. Here, conservative talking heads and bloggers like Rush, Coulter, O’Reilly, Matt Drudge and even the likes of Dr. Laura Ingraham (apparently Glenn Beck was too wacky even for Mike Mackey, as I note he is never once mentioned in the series) are pillars of American freedom, and the last bulwark of democracy in a nightmare world of liberal tyranny. Needless to say, they are the first targets of the Islamofascist hit-squads after 9/11, and once they’re gone the forces of darkness have free reign to conquer the nation. That Mike Mackey endows a bunch of political talking heads with such awesome power is proof that he drank about a gallon of Fox News’ Kool-Aid before writing each issue of LfA.

This is pretty high-falutin’ stuff, especially for what critics have since begun to refer to as the “Conservative Entertainment Complex.” A more nuanced view of these people might suggest that, rather than freedom and democracy, their goal is to make money and obtain higher ratings, and to tell conservatives what they want to hear. The case could be made that, in the last election, far from acting as guardians of conservative principles, they actually contributed to the defeat of the Republican candidate by assuring right-wing voters that the polls were all wrong, and the usurper/socialist/Kenyan Obama was on the way to absolute and certain defeat. The exile of Sarah Palin, Karl Rove and Dick Morris from the hallowed halls of Fox News is just one sign of the onset of reality.

Although the third and unexpectedly final issue of Liberality for All was on the stands, Mike Mackey had even more ambitious plans for shattering the liberal’s stranglehold on liberty. He released a short preview (available on the old website here), cleverly titled Libarro World, which was intended to run as a supporting feature in LfA. I’m not going to bother lampooning it — Mackey does a perfectly good job on his own. Suffice to say it’s a one-joke strip in which conservative duplicates of Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Howard Dean (seriously? Howard Dean?) and Ted Kennedy are created in a scientific accident, much to the chagrin of their babbling, oblivious libtard originals (recall, this is set in the fantasy world of Mike Mackey’s conservative imagination in which relatively conservative democrat Hillary Clinton is a loony leftist extremist and legitimate military veteran John Kerry is a draft-dodging flip-flopper).

As heavy-handed as the rest of LfA (sample jokes… Hillary shrieks “Does it take a village to get this thing started or what?”, Dean says to Kerry “For crying out loud! We just voted! First you vote for it… Now you vote against it?” and keeps suggesting — big surprise — that they clear everything through the UN), the never-completed supporting feature pokes crude fun at a former DNC chairman, two future secretaries of state and a now-dead senator. Enough said.

So with that needless prolog out of the way, we can proceed to the end of our trip through Liberality for All.

RIP, Matt Drudge -- a real patriot, slain by treachery. His spirit shall LIVE ON!

RIP, Matt Drudge — a real patriot, slain by treachery. His spirit shall LIVE ON!

Liberality for All: Issue Three

Regrettably, Issue Three is still stuck in flashback-land, mostly following the tale of the svelte, muscular and sleekly hairless (save for that hot moustache, of course)  Sexy G, aka G. Gordon Liddy.

I’m going to reiterate that while Mackey seems determined to transform his conservative heroes into smoldering slabs of man-muscle for his own amusement, nowhere is this more evident than in the portrayal of the fragile, septuagenarian Liddy, who despite his advancing years (and without the benefit of the magical nanites that grant eternal youth and sexiness to both him and his partner Sean Hannity) still struts around the pages of LfA in tight pants, wielding massive and manly weapons, and kicks ass like a 20-year-old Navy Seal. His journey from elderly criminal and Fox News contributor to sex-god for a new era continues unabated in this issue.

To satisfy all those Republican comic collectors who are clamoring for more, LfA #3 again features two covers, and what covers they are. The first portrays a young boy — presumably li’l Reagan McGee — trying to tear down the hateful UN flag and replace it with the stars and stripes, presumably soaked in the blood of patriots and martyrs to liberalism.

The second cover is my favorite of the entire series — It portrays conservative blogger Matt Drudge, his signature porkpie hat lying nearby, his computer screen (with “Drudge Report” across it, in case we missed the point) splattered with his blood, while two treacherous thugs, their blue uniforms emblazoned with UN insignia, stand over him with drawn weapons. Matt’s dead of course (just like all us treacherous liberals wanted all along), but his face is turned away from the viewer, so I can’t tell whether Donny Lin fucked his portrait up as well.

The credits page lists Mike and Donny of course, and unaccountably also includes credits for Libarro World, which was penciled by one Aditia Wardhana and colored by one “Nichx.” Once more, Mike Mackey appears to have turned his back on good old red-blooded American comic artists, farming out his artwork to Indonesians, who presumably work for a lot less money. And once more, the artist appears to have vanished from sight, as a quick Google search reveals that there are a LOT of Indonesians named Aditia (or Aditya) Wardhana, but none list their occupation as “comic book artist.”

LfA now returns to the white house as young President Chelsea turns her hateful visitor, Ambassador Usama (btw, I’m using Mackey’s spelling, “Usama” rather than the more common “Osama” — he probably did so because only liberals spell it that way) over to the fat and sweaty care of VP Moore, who shows him around, eager as a young puppy to serve his new terrorist master.

Michael Moore in his motorized wheelchair. Because he's so FAT, you see. Because LIBERALS are FAT.

Michael Moore in his motorized wheelchair. Because he’s so FAT, you see. Because LIBERALS are FAT.

Now poor li’l Chelsea (who Lin portrays as a real babe, by the way — something that I find vaguely creepy) tells the black nanny to make sure she washes little William Jefferson to remove the bloodstains left by Usama’s murderous fingers, then addresses the hateful, wizened, America-hating surrender monkey himself, UN Secretary General Jacque Chirac (who, as president of DIRTY, SURRENDERING FRANCEREFUSED to join with George W. Bush’s COALITION OF THE WILLING when we went into Iraq to take out that MONSTER, Saddam Hussein, thus showing that he HATES AMERICA and is a DIRTY SURRENDERING FRENCHMAN, now head of the UNITED NATIONS, who have TAKEN OVER AMERICA and TAKEN AWAY OUR GUNS. Everyone knows that the French do nothing but surrender and give in to terrorists, and are clearly ENEMIES OF AMERICA. I’m emphasizing this because I’m afraid that Mike Mackey might have used too light of a touch in his original and people might not get it).

The conversation between Chelsea and Chirac is, once more, a prime cut of Mike Mackey’s worldview. “We need much more than we originally asked for” from the UN, Chelsea says, her big doe eyes gleaming with tears as she realizes how her own mother betrayed the land she loves so much.

“Chelsea,” Chirac replies, all Gallic reason and sympathy while contemptuously referring to the president by her first name, “why don’t you follow in your parents’ footsteps and raise taxes on the rich?”

"Run for president, Chelsea," they said. "It'll be fun, Chelsea."

“Run for president, Chelsea,” they said. “It’ll be fun, Chelsea,” they said.

Hard cheese, Frog-boy. “There are no rich in America anymore,” Chelsea mourns, thinking fondly of how the wealth of billionaires like Donald Trump used to rain down upon the nation like a shower of gold. “When their tax rate hit 90%, most of them emigrated to Britain or Israel.”

Fun Facts for Conservatives: The top tax rate in the United States is now 39.6%. In our heroic ally Britain, the top rate is 50%, and in our heroic ally Israel it’s 46%. Both of these states also have national healthcare, or as you like to call it “socialism.” In that socialistic police-state to the north commonly called “Canada,” the top rate is 54%, and that is one of the highest in the world. No state has a 90% top tax rate, not even the hateful communists in China or the backwards rustics of Sweden. Just keepin’ things in perspective.

Back to Chirac’s beatdown of poor Chelsea. “Just like the rich,” he says, nibbling on a snail while surrendering to the Germans, “always thinking of themselves first, never the good of the whole. Which reminds me, the recent recovery of Hannity’s laptop may lead to the discovery of FOIL’s lair.”

Nice try with the non-sequitur (sorry for using a French word for something, but I can’t think of a better one) says Chelsea, but what about the money?

No can do, Chirac replies, sipping champagne out of his mistress’ high-heeled shoe while smoking a pack of cigarettes. Not a good time. Nosireebob.

Chelsea furrows her little brow and stamps her little foot at this. “Do you realize the sacrifices America has made to the UN over the past decades? [And by ‘America’ I assume she means ‘The United States of America’ but like many conservatives, Mackey believes that the US occupies two entire continents.] America is on the verge of bankruptcy because of our capitulation to the very nations that make up the UN!”

If only Reagan had been armed, this never would have happened.

If only Reagan had been armed, this never would have happened.

(Try saying that three times fast… In the words of Harrison Ford, “Hey George — maybe you can write this crap, but you sure as hell can’t say it!”)

Chirac now shows his true colors — yellow. “Madame President,” he sneers, “your tone is as if (sic) you have wealth or military strength to bargain with… YOU DO NOT! For now you will make do with what the UN allows you to have. MWAAAHAHAHAHA! Bring me another prostitute!”

(That last part is mine, but you have to admit that it makes sense.)

Chirac stomps away, leaving Chelsea to go wash her hands.

CLANG.

Now back to Reagan McGee, typing at his computer (the libs actually let people have computers? Holy shit, they’re dumber than I thought, and believe me that is dumb) when his mom (having after 20 years graduated to MILF status) hands him a present that his dad wanted him to have. She’s been holding onto it for two decades, and I wonder what it is. It’s way too small to be a firearm, but as far as I’m concerned that’s THE ONLY THING HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIS SON THAT WOULD HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO FIGHT FOR FREEDOM…

Sorry. Seriously, this whole thing is really starting to affect my mind. As young Reagan accepts his prezzy and we prepare for yet another flashback, the TV drones on with the usual, predictable libtard news.

No, seriously. This is all us liberals really wanted from the guy... sheesh... Was that so hard?

No, seriously. This is all us liberals really wanted from the guy… sheesh… Was that so hard?

“…Ambassador bin Laden’s apology at the Unity Tower in New York… At 8:45 a.m. tomorrow, as light bathes the Unity Tree, Ambassador bin Laden will apologize while promising to usher in a new era… is also being celebrated at the Light-of-Peace [Uh-oh, it’s the word “peace” — must be another dumb liberal thing] ceremony in Hollywood hosted by Barbra Streisand [SEE? Told you.]…”

(Yup, you got us cold, Mackey… All us liberals wanted was an apology from that mean ol’ bin Laden. All he had to do was gaze into the video camera, make his eyes real big and say, “I’m sowwy,” and our liberal hearts would have melted. “C’mere, ya big lug,” we’d croon, throwing our arms around good ol’ Usama and holding him close. “I can’t stay mad at you!”)

Okay, back to six-year-old Reagan, sitting in class being programmed by his fellow-traveler teacher.

“Decades of saber-rattling and military posturing by warmongers caused a divide in the world,” she lectures. “Under President Hillary Clinton’s wise leadership, we are withdrawing our violent forces from all over the world, to be absorbed into UN peacekeeping forces.”

On the blackboard, of course, are the words From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs, which needless to say is something that Hillary Clinton was careful to work into every one of her communisitic, America-hating speeches, and which she repeated every night before going to bed, instead of praying like a good American.

None of this sits well with the li’l patriot Reagan. Idiot, he thinks. Feeding us this garbage again. I… can’t… take… this… ANYMORE!”

“My father is in the army reserve and he can barely retreat without bullets!” Reagan declares. That’s one thoughtful six-year-old, dontcha think?

The teacher raises a finger to scold our little renegade. “Your warmongering father should not be there in the first place!”

“America has been betrayed by the UN!” Reagan shouts, in a cry that soon will be echoed by thousands — nay, millions — as they rise up in righteous anger. Again, pretty good for a first-grader.

Well, just as the teacher’s about to send Reagan to the Gulag, he’s instead called to the principal’s office. On the way, he punches the condom-dispenser that’s in the middle of the grade-school hallway (because us liberals WANT CHILDREN TO HAVE SEX and want CONDOM DISPENSERS IN KINDERGARTEN… CLANG!) and stomps into the office, only to see an Army sergeant with a letter for him. He gets the message (like we weren’t expecting it) and runs out screaming (altogether now) “NO!” (Btw, the message is that his dad’s dead, slain by the liberal traitors… I mean North Koreans or something.)

He’s still screaming when he runs out onto the schoolyard, past a newspaper with the headline Fox News Bankrupt!, past a flagpole where the UN flag flies above the stars and stripes, and past a big sign that says SUPPORT U.N.IFICATION

(I’m beginning to think that his school’s name is Clumsy Right-Wing Metaphor Elementary or something, given the sheer density of symbolic elements that surround poor little Reagan.)

Some day, Little Reagan, you'll haul this flag down and spit on it. No, not that one... The blue one... No, wait...

Some day, Little Reagan, you’ll haul this flag down and spit on it. No, not that one… The blue one… No, wait…

As he’s out there, he sees another little girl being forced to stare at the flagpole, up in his classroom and their eyes meet (does she grow up to be that hot Liberty Belle chick I wonder…). As Reagan stands beneath the flapping, fluttering symbol of EVIL INCARNATE (that would be the UN flag), his shadow grows into that of a God-fearing, gun-loving, freedom-fighting-for American MAN, and we’re back in the present.

And speaking of presents, he’s still holding the one from his dad and hasn’t opened it, while the libtard news continues to blather.

It’s the evil Alan Colmes again. “With us today,” he says, “is Freedom’s guardian, who is also a PETA representative… So why is Freedom dying?”

CLANG! You see FREEDOM, is actually a BALD EAGLE, and the bald eagle is the SYMBOL of AMERICA. And since the EAGLE (named FREEDOM) is DYING, then FREEDOM in AMERICA is DYING, too. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

“Well Alan,” replies the PETA guy (and for once Mackey and I agree on something, and it’s that PETA is a bunch of loons, but that’s a discussion for another day), “since the death of his mate Glory [CLANG!] he has refused to eat his prey, flavored soy pseudo-rats.”

“How about feeding Freedom live prey?” Colmes asks, knowing the answer.

“His soy-prey has the same nutritional value,” huffs the PETA guy, “and live prey? Well, that’s just plain MURDER. Instead of starvation, we have decided to put Freedom to a humane death tomorrow.”

Get it? They’re PUTTING FREEDOM to DEATH, which symbolizes the DEATH OF FREEDOM IN AMERICA.

Did you hear me? I said, THE DEATH OF FREEDOM IN AMERICA!

We never do find out what Dad’s present to little Reagan was, but Mom does say, “He would be so proud of you.”

Reagan shakes his head sadly. “I haven’t done anything for him to be proud of…” He raises his eyes with growing hope and determination, gazing at the screen where Freedom the Eagle stands, condemned to death by liberal/PETA treachery and says, “…Yet.”

She keeps the cross of Jesus close to her heart. Close to her quivering, softly-swelling, pale pink heart...

She keeps the cross of Jesus close to her heart. Close to her quivering, softly-swelling, pale pink heart…

Back at FOIL HQ, Sexy G is there, clad in a tight, tight, TIGHT turtleneck and what appear to be riding breeches (but are probably supposed to be military-style trousers with cargo pockets), inspecting a wounded finger, while extending his neck to a length of approximately two feet. Nearby, a hot blonde in a tight, tight TIGHT body suit stands, holding a smoking automatic rifle (and it ain’t the ONLY thing that’s smokin’, believe me). She has a huge silver cross around her neck, too, a symbol of her unending devotion to Jesus, hanging sweetly between her succulent, overflowing breasts.

“Nice shot,” Liddy says.

“I aim to please, Lovie,” replies Ms. Hottie. Holy crap. Is she actually fucking this 90-year-old fossil, or is she just flirting with him? Either way… Creepy. She’s still unidentified, btw — I think Ollie North called her Diana (though she looked different in Issue One), and Mackey never once mentioned Anne Coulter as being a member of FOIL. Perhaps she’s actually Sarah Palin, rejuvenated by the power of nanites and provided with huge, supple, heaving breasts and a round, sensual ass.

Noor (aka “Oscar”) is nearby, mixing up his special formula. “Quickly, Gordon,” he urges. “I can’t measure the effectiveness of your cellular reconstruction until you’re unconscious.”

“Too bad Annie is not operational,” Gordon complains. “We could use her tomorrow. Can you imagine Annie wading through all those UN troops? It would be a massacre!”

“True,” agrees Noor, “but let’s get you five by five before worrying about robotic PMS!”

Yup, nothing like a sexist joke about how cranky women get at that time of the month to cement your rep as a fearless conservative defender of freedom, Mike. Keep up the good work.

So Sexy G reclines his rippling muscular manliness on Oscar’s exam table and drifts off to slumberland, hoping that this time he doesn’t have nightmares.

No such luck. We’re back in 2006, when, in the words of Reagan’s interminable narration, “terrorists tried to kill every vocal conservative. And all the free health care in the world would not help those killed.”

They apparently didn't bother with Glenn Beck. Everyone KNOWS he's crazy...

They apparently didn’t bother with Glenn Beck. Everyone KNOWS he’s crazy…

CLANG!

“I was only a child, but I don’t remember too many tears shed in the media. Like other times when patriots have died, it seemed unpopular to step forth to support the fallen.”

(Get it? Because LIBERALS HATE HEROES and HATE AMERICA!! You know, I’m starting to get a little hoarse from pointing out Mackey’s subtle messages, but I’ll carry on, because… well, fuck… You know… AMERICA!)

G. Gordo, fresh off nailgunning that evil terrorist, visits the hospital to see how his special buddy, Sean Hannity is doing. There, he meets Ollie North and Noor, who is determined to save the gravely wounded Sean, and with him, freedom.

“My machines can make him as good as new,” he says, patriotic determination oozing from every pore. “In fact, better than he was before.”

Their bedside conversation is interrupted by the cops, who show up to arrest poor G. Gordon “for the possession and illegal discharge of a gun within the city limits.”

(For the last time, libtards… It’s not a GUN, it’s a WEAPON or a FIREARM!)

Back in Oscar’s lab, Noor notes “His nanites are reacting very aggressively. Cellular repair and telomere replacement both at a consistent 102%. That means unless he takes a bullet through the pump… He’s probably now immortal!”

G. Gordon Liddy — hot and sexy… forever! Yes, Liberality for All is a true conservative fantasy. Too bad it’s not real.

…Or is it?

Okay, back to the G-dog’s remembrances. A long-haired hippy-type lawyer is talking to the press, liberal platitudes and hate-speech spewing from his disgusting left-wing cakehole.

“Mr. Liddy’s archaic belief in the Second Amendment has earned him 30 years in federal prison,” he says, “which is the mandatory minimum sentence for the possession of a handgun within the New York City Limits. And although no body was found, human and pig blood were discovered in a warehouse where we believe Mr. Liddy brought harm to an innocent Arab youth.”

Oh yeah? How about a TERRORIST Arab youth, huh? I mean, hell, it’s up to conservatives to defend freedom, and if it takes torturing a suspect with a nailgun, then by God and Jesus and all that’s fuckin’ holy THEY’RE GONNA DO IT! Because… Well… AMERICA!

“In this new American era,” Reagan prattles on, “yesterday’s patriots are today’s criminals, and history always makes the determination (sic) between the two. Obviously, crime pays, or there’s be no crime, but does patriotism pay when leaders turn away from the nation’s founding principles of yesterday? Who can blame those of us who embrace such criminals (sic).”

Back in the lab, Noor suggests that “the nannites (sic) in Gordon’s biosystem are exceeding their design capabilities… I may be able to help Sean and Ollie with their vision… Maybe even get Annie to behave rationally.”

Ms, Hottie, who is sitting in on the proceedings, and calls everyone “Lovie” (maybe she’s fucking all of them… even conservatives need casual sex now and then, I guess), says that “Annie” makes her uncomfortable, while in the corner we see the shadow of a high-heeled figure shrouded in covers. Maybe that’s the mysterious “Annie” — a hot, spike-heeled warrior robot with the stars and stripes painted across her generous bosom, perhaps? We’ll never know.

Back to G’s past. With no explanation of how he slipped his treacherous liberal-forged bonds, we see Sexy G being picked up by Ollie North at New York Harbor with the betrayed Statue of Liberty (a gift from the French, wasn’t it?) in the background.

“The base is not far,” heroic Oliver says, “Our liberal masters saw fit to close Manhattan’s FEMA base. Sean, Oscar and I reopened it!”

Sexy G expresses concern that Ollie is going blind (“Yep! A bit more each day,” North replies), and that this might be contributing to the fact that he’s driving them both straight into Long Island Sound.

No fear, they drive into the hold of the carp-shaped supersub we saw in Issue One.

“Once Hillary closed all the military bases, they scrapped the top secret toys as well,” Oliver explains to a chorus of falling anvils. “The base could survive a nuclear strike against the city, and has underwater access… Because of a few silent patriots on the ‘Right’ side [get it? RIGHT SIDE] this base has been erased from all recorded records.”

Recorded records? Damn. It would be terrible if it was still on all of those unrecorded records, wouldn’t it?

“The Coulter Laws have made us all fugitives,” Ollie continues. “I guess it’s appropriate that this base is underground.”

So Sexy G meets his fellow rebels, Oscar and Cyber-Sean, and together they begin the fight for freedom.

Remember when Sexy G said he was afraid of nightmares? Well, he gets one, and boy is it hilarious. He dreams he’s sleeping, and a hand touches his naked shoulder.

This is so damned funny. I haven't laughed so much since watching the last "Fox and Friends."

This is so damned funny. I haven’t laughed so much since watching the last “Fox and Friends.”

“Wake up, GG,” whispers a coarse but feminine voice. “It’s time for our ‘STAFF MEETING! [It’s subtle, but I THINK she means SEX].”

Sexy G rolls over to see his partner, and sets eyes on the most hideous harpy from hell…

HILLARY CLINTON!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

“I thought I didn’t know what fear was,” he mutters, quivering in terror.

Okay, enough hilarity… Back to the serious subject matter — bionic conservatives fighting terrorists and liberals.

Oscar is discussing a nanite treatment with Oliver North (and we all know how that’s going to turn out, don’t we… Not one, not two, but THREE bionic, nanite-enhanced patriots to battle for justice…), while on the big monitor Alan Colmes, Prince of Evil, says that tomorrow is the day that the good and kind-hearted Ambassador bin Laden is going to deliver his apology.

Then we see the Freedom the Eagle broadcast, in which the slimy PETA guy reveals that he’s going to kill Freedom. Get it? Kill Freedom… Because Freedom is…

O0ps, sorry. I already explained that.

Sexy G watches the story, eyes narrowing, wheels spinning with in his gleaming, hairless and oh-so-strokable head, while the blonde chick smiles seductively at Cyber-sean and escorts him and Ollie from the chamber, presumably for a hot all-right-wing three-way.

Also in an inset, we see Noor slipping unnoticed from the room. What could that signify, I wonder?

Okay, okay, let’s wrap this travesty up, shall we?

Next we’re at UN HQ, where the treacherous Jacques Chirac is talking to a black-clad, buzz-cut blonde Aryan type, discussing how they’re going to find that damned elusive Hannity.

Soon, Herr Chirac, ve vill begin ze FINAL SOLUTION for ze disposal of zese troublesome conservatives... Heh, heh.

Soon, Herr Chirac, ve vill begin ze FINAL SOLUTION for ze disposal of zese troublesome conservatives… Heh, heh.

The blonde guy turns out to be a German UN military rep, named Commander Hissler. (Get it? His name is HISSLER, and he’s GERMAN. Just like HITLER. And his NAME is “HISSLER” so it sounds just like HITLER, because the UN is just like NAZIs, and GERMANS are… No, wait… This whole clumsy allegory thing is really starting to break down, isn’t it?)

Herr Hissler assures Chirac that the robbery at the Department of Peace resulted in the theft of only one item, something called “a Glucus Communication device. After 34 years, we are not concerned with any security issue it might pose.”

Boy, is HE gonna be SURPRISED when SEAN HANNITY uses the GLUCUS DEVICE TO RESTORE FREEDOM IN ISSUE EIGHT! HAW!

“And the conservative dissidents?” Chirac asks, and Hissler chuckles.

“UN forces found Matt Drudge hours ago. His website is now shut down… permanently. And during the arrest…” Hissler flashes an evil, evil UN-German-Nazi-Communist-Socialist-terrorist-tax-the-rich grin, “he apparently committed ‘suicide.’ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!”

(Again, I editorialize. He doesn’t really laugh. He just grins happily.)

“Finally,” continues Chirac, “what of FOIL?”

“We have an expert working on that right now,” replies the blonde thug, lovingly stroking his blue ray copy of Farenheit 9/11. “Thanks to Dr. Noor Ilham, who has joined us, we are attempting to retrieve security data from Hannity’s laptop.”

NOOR ILHAM! You mean “Oscar” — the guy who saved Sean Hannity’s life, made G. Gordon Liddy the sexiest beast among all sexy beasts, who has fought for justice and America and freedom for all three issues of this magnificent comic? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Say it ain't so, Noor! SAY IT AIN'T SO!

Say it ain’t so, Noor! SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Yes, it’s Oscar, betraying his friends and sucking up to the United Nations traitors.  “I will be able to tell you everything about the location of the FOIL lair. In a few short hours (sic),” he assures Chirac. “Rest assured, nothing will stop the ambassador’s address tomorrow.”

“Sometimes,” Reagan McGee’s narration closes this issue, and with it, the entire run of Liberality for All, “you just don’t know who to trust.”

The issue ends with a couple of color plates, one of McGee and Gordon kidnapping Freedom the Eagle (like we weren’t expecting that), and the blind and brokenhearted Ollie North kneeling in the street with a discarded and battered American flag clutched in his freedom-loving hands.

Of course, the shocking “twist” ending is nothing of the kind… From the previous issues it’s obvious that Noor/Oscar has no intention of betraying his conservative buddies. He already knows the location of the secret freedom lair, he already controls the programming and operation of Hannity’s bionics, and he already is injecting weird substances into both Sexy G and blind Ollie. Unless he’s hatching a grotesquely convoluted plot against FOIL, it’s clear he’s acting as a mole in the UN, misleading them as part of Sean and Gordo’s plan to stop bin Laden’s plot against New York, and retake control of the traitorous LIB network.

And so, on a note of false suspense which fools no one, “America’s first conservative comic book” comes to a close, and you can probably predict pretty easily how the next five issues will go. More flashbacks, more disjointed blather from Reagan McGee, the rescue of Freedom the Eagle, the cyber-punching of bin Laden in the middle of an astonished UN, and a heroic speech via the newly-restored Fox News Network, informing the world that America’s back, and we’re not taking no shit from no one. And oh yeah, Chelsea Clinton decides she’s a conservative after all and then goes down on Hannity, Liddy and North simultaneously in the special “All Adult” issue.

Liberality for All: The Aftermath

As a publishing entity, ACC Studios lasted about ten months. As noted in the first part of this series, Mackey was largely ignored by the mainstream comic industry publications, a fact that he suggests, unsurprisingly, was due to liberal bias. What was more likely, as I previously suggested, is that the mainstream comics journals generally didn’t pay much attention to indie books, and certainly didn’t want to waste ink on them until they’d proved themselves in terms of sales. Outlets like CNN, The Guaridan, Fox News and their ilk didn’t care that Liberality for All hadn’t actually published a single issue when they interviewed Mackey — they just wanted to chum the water with some controversy, and attract a few sharks.

In this interview, Mackey comes across as a reasonably likable geek, and given his passion for the subject it’s kind of hard not to hope he succeeds with his li’l conservative comic book. However, toward the end of the interview he makes the following statement:

Yet there are aspects of the story that liberal readers should love: there is no war… ever! Michael Moore is the Vice President. The “Coulter Laws” have made conservative talk radios and other such conservative “hate speech” virtually illegal. America clears all international decisions through the United Nations. And last but not least, George W. Bush is not even a blip on the radar. Liberals should love this book, shouldn’t they?

Not to flog a dead horse, but it looks as if Mackey doesn’t really know shit from shinola when it comes to liberal political thought. He genuinely believes that liberals want Anne Coulter censored and that the United States be transformed into a simpering UN client-state. This, he thinks, is what liberals “love,” but all it shows is how little he really understands about liberalism, and it’s very difficult if not impossible to truly satirize something you don’t understand.

obama-birth-certificate-sorry-busy-killing-osamaIssue Three shipped in July of 2006, but the promised fourth issue (listed as available for pre-order) never materialized. For ten glorious months, from October 2005 to July 2006, ACC Studios was flying high, and Mike Mackey was feted by the objects of his worship, interviewed by the hated liberal mainstream media (here’s an interview with him in which he mistakenly believes that The Guardian is a conservative paper, triggering loud guffaws from everyone who has actually read the damned thing), talked about throughout the blogosphere, and even promoted by his idol Cyber-Sean himself, who I’m sure told him he was a great American.  Sadly, Mackey never got to meet Sexy G, who probably had an appointment at the steam room or something.

A few websites reviewed the book, with the response ranging from reasonably positive to negative to overtly hostile (more the latter than the former, I’m afraid). Even the beloved conservative journal The National Review refused to take the book seriously, calling it “a carnival of colorful absurdity” and noting that it did nothing but conform to most liberals’ stereotypes of extreme right-wingers. It all ended abruptly without so much as a whimper. Issue Four languishes in limbo and we’ll never find out whether Reagan McGee and G. Gordon actually managed to rescue Freedom the Eagle.

It didn’t take long for the marketplace to chew ACC Studios up and spit it out, just like they treat most other independent publishers. All the controversy and Sean Hannity plugs in the world couldn’t change the fact that Liberality for All was an amateurish and inept conservative screed thinly disguised as an action comic book. LfA ended up suffering the worst fate imaginable for a comic book — it was utterly and totally forgotten by everyone. Except me, of course, since being a liberal I love inflicting pain on the innocent and those who can’t fight back. ACC’s web page still exists, a mute and tragic testament to its creator’s unfulfilled dreams. LfA’s wikipedia page was deleted on March 17, 2012

By the way, I just found this blog, which has a brief overview of LfA, and (wonder of wonders) says a lot of the same things I just said (for example, he was just as confused about Ralph Nader’s appearance in Issue One as I was), though in a much more succinct and non-rambling manner. The author even goes so far as to suggest that Mike Mackey has a man-crush on Sean Hannity, rather than Sexy G, who clearly deserves it more. Interesting how two entirely different readers of the same comic can come to such similar conclusions, eh?

It may seem like an odd thing for me to say, but Liberality for All might have been a good book in the hands of a Grant Morrison or an Alan Moore. Despite my enjoyment of books like Watchment and V for Vendetta, I’ve always considered them to contain somewhat conservative messages buried deep down under all the action and good writing. My reading also suggests that books like The Authority, which I have not read, also present fairly conservative values in an entertaining fashion.

Every political philosophy needs its ass kicked every now and then — every mode of thought needs to be questioned, dissected and criticized. As I noted in a previous entry, I think I could write a pretty good story about liberal politics gone wrong, and I dare say it would be less blunt and ham-handed than the work of Mike Mackey. But his clumsy treatment of the subject in Liberality for All makes the works of Alan Drury and Ayn Rand seem downright Shakespearean. Where a scalpel is called for, he uses an anvil, and where a light touch is required, he deploys a nailgun and pigskin.

Liberality for All is a product of anger and fear, not reasoned discourse or careful thought. It’s a document written by a man who genuinely believes that the blue-berets are at his door, that the black helicopters are on their way, and that only the heroic intercession of aging, overweight blatherskites who work for an Australian billionaire’s cable news channel can possibly save us.

Reality caught up with Mackey and LfA, for in November of 2006 the Republicans in congress were taken to the cleaners by a voting public long weary of a fruitless War on Terror. These same voters rejected the hated and feared Hillary Clinton in favor of the even more terrifying Barack Hussein Obama and a Democratic supermajority in congress. And after this conservative nightmare scenario — so close to what Mackey postulated — occurred, what happened? There were no moves to transfer the military to the UN, no attempts to silence conservative critics, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan continued.

The Clyde Caldwell illustration that inspired "Liberality for All." No. Really. I couldn't make this up.

The Clyde Caldwell illustration that inspired “Liberality for All.” No. Really. I couldn’t make this up.

The arch-criminal bin Laden was finally brought to justice, by the administration of a simpering, socialistic liberal, but conservatives proved singularly unwilling to give credit to a Democratic president. No, the Freedom Tower hasn’t been renamed. Bin Laden isn’t bringing a suitcase nuke to New York. The last American eagle isn’t being fed soy-rats by PETA. Alan Colmes isn’t running Fox News. The “liberals” (who aren’t really liberals at all… I hate to disappoint you) control both the Senate and the White House, and the American voters have had the lack of good taste to keep them there through two national election cycles. The right-wingers are still bemoaning moves for gun control and national health care, but freedom seems surprisingly intact, and our streets seem to be relatively free of UN troops. Liberality for All is a bizarre artifact of a very bizarre era, one which I’m only too happy to leave behind.

In the end the same free market capitalism that Mike Mackey embraced is what doomed Liberality for All, and neither he nor future legend Donny Lin have shown their faces since. It’s kind of a shame, really… I was really looking forward to the nude centerfold of G. Gordon Liddy.

2 thoughts on “Conservatiliciousness for All — The Wacky, Wacky World of ACC Comics, Part Three

  1. Mike

    “apitalism that Mike Mackey embraced is what doomed Liberality for All”

    Yes, conservatives are the responsible adults in America. They don’t read comic books like liberal children.

  2. Anthony Pryor Post author

    Well, under other circumstances I’d have said that I agree, but you don’t quite go far enough — I don’t think conservatives actually read anything at all besides Anne Coulter and (occasionally) Ayn Rand. Unfortunately, the very existence of “Liberality for All” contradicts our argument pretty effectively — if conservatives didn’t read comics, we would never have been subjected to Mike Mackey’s creativity and, for me at any rate, the world would have been a much less amusing place. Please feel free to write again, Mike. I eagerly await your opinions on “Hawk the Slayer.”

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