Conservitalism for All — Inside the Mind of a Right-Wing Comic Writer, Part Two

thestupiditburnsYears ago, when the Iraq war was raging, I had a discussion with a gentleman regarding the anti-war protests that were taking place in Portland. While he felt that they were a very positive thing, I was less convinced. To my mind, the protests had shut down traffic and annoyed people, but at the same time had utterly failed to change anyone’s mind about the war. In fact I felt that a commuter, stuck on a bridge and late for work wasn’t terribly likely to sympathize with the protesters — in my view he was far more likely to be pissed off and have a negative view of their message.

That isn’t the point of protests, my friend replied. Political protest isn’t intended to educate or change anyone’s minds. It exists so the protesters can vent their anger, and to piss off the opposition.

So you’re saying, I replied, that political protest is just another form of jacking off?

While I’m sure that there is something to the man’s argument, I think that it’s not an especially intelligent or convincing one. The types who just get together so they can scream and wave signs aren’t really helping. They’re just preaching to the choir and firing up themselves — check out pictures of the Tea Party rallies from three years ago if you have any doubts. I think that real protest — effective protest — should exist to educate and enlighten, as well as to enrage. I thought that the Occupy protesters did a pretty good job of that, even though they were infuriatingly disorganized, and managed to flush all of their enthusiasm down the drain by not building on it, or doing anything besides protest.

Early concept art. I really can't get over the fact that this is what Mackey and Lin think Hannity actually looks like (see inset).

Early concept art. I really can’t get over the fact that this is what Mackey and Lin think Hannity actually looks like (see inset).

I mention this only because that’s what I think Liberality for All represented — an elaborate four-color process neocon masturbatory fantasy, intended only to highlight how pissed off its author was, and (supposedly) to fire up the outrage of other neocons, whose enthusiasm might be lagging a bit, given how inadequate their simplistic world-view was proving.

Author Mike Mackey’s response to another fuckin’ liberal critic in the letters column pretty much points this up. I’ll deal with the letters in more detail later, but suffice to say Mackey seems downright delighted that liberals find his book to be funny. It seems to me that a good work of satire should at best cause those whom its aimed at to question their own views, rather than keeping them entertained and amused, but this subtlety seems lost on our intrepid author. Were I to write a dystopian tale in which the tenets of liberalism and progressive thought were perverted and turned into vehicles of repression (and believe me, I could write one — unlike Mr. Mackey I at least have sufficient perspective to see how my own political beliefs can go wrong, and how those of opposing views might actually be right once in a while), I’d probably be kind of unhappy if liberals found it amusing. Not so Mr. Mackey. He seems bound and determined to keep the hilarity flowing, and in Issue Two, he does just that.

Liberality for All: Issue Two

As we learned in Issue One, the world of LfA has gone to shit, and the blame can be laid squarely on the slumped, underdeveloped shoulders of the political left — the libs and bleeding hearts who thought that the US brought 9/11 on itself, and whose answer to the entire crisis was to go whining to the U.N. Now of course, the liberal pigeons have come home to roost — America is a client-state to the internationalists at the United Nations, our military has been “absorbed” and forced to wear those faggy French blue berets, our guns have been taken away, our freedom of speech and the press destroyed by the treachery of Al Gore and Hillary Clinton, and worst of all, the collective conscience of the nation — right-wing talk show hosts — have been silenced by Islamic hit squads. It reads like Alan Drury’s Come Nineveh, Come Tyre! only with Muslims instead of Communists.

Another pinup featuring Mackey and Lin's favorite hunk, G. Gordon Liddy, or as they'd like us to call him, Sexy G.

Another pinup featuring Mackey and Lin’s favorite hunk, G. Gordon Liddy, or as they’d like us to call him, Sexy G.

Unfortunately for us, Issue Two largely fumbles the ball, dropping the exciting “Usama’s-gonna-blow-up-New-York” plotline in favor of extended flashbacks, explaining how our once-proud nation became a toxic swamp of oppression run by cowardly Frenchmen and simpering libtards. To Mackey’s credit, we do get a lot more sexy glamour-shots of the manly G. Gordon Liddy being macho and kicking ass, further cementing my assertion that Mackey had a huge man-crush on the guy (and that’s fine, btw… every consenting adult in this great nation has the right to pursue love and happiness with other consenting adults in any way he/she sees fit, and if you disagree, well I guess you just hate America).

In addition, even I must admit that Donny Lin’s art has graduated from the level of a talented high schooler to that of a promising art-school undergrad. His tendency to draw weird lines all over people’s faces has been reduced, and he seems to have gotten better at digital coloring. Maybe in a couple more decades he really will be the comic artist legend that Mackey predicts he will be. Mind you, this will probably only happen if he buys up all remaining copies of Liberality for All and hides them in his parents’ basement, and that’s really not likely.

The diabolical Alan Colmes, ladies and gentlemen. Are you scared yet?

The diabolical Alan Colmes, ladies and gentlemen. Are you scared yet?

While Donny Lin’s art has graduated, I’m sorry to say that Mackey’s scripting remains as sophomoric as ever. The tale opens with our narrator continuing to blather. From the text I’ve finally been able to gather that the annoying bloviator is none other than Reagan McGee, the young man who called the Hannity show in Issue One, and was hanging out with that cute redhead with the nice ass while they defaced UN posters.

Again, the narrative captions serve as more of an annoyance than anything else. They form a complete, if somewhat rambling, discourse that carries on for the length of the entire issue, but as in Issue One, they are utterly disjointed, and since they’re spread out over numerous panels, the reader is forced to backtrack to figure out exactly what Reagan is saying. It doesn’t matter much anyway — his narration is more of a neoconservative Greek chorus than anything else, underlining action in the foreground that doesn’t require it, and self-importantly intoning things that we already know. Reagan’s a decent enough young man, mind you, but like most early 20-somethings, he doesn’t realize when he’s starting to sound like a pretentious douchebag.

Here's what he really looks like, btw. For once, Lin actually figured out how to draw someone recognizably.

Here’s what he really looks like, btw. For once, Lin actually figured out how to draw someone recognizably. He DOES have a kind of evil grin, doesn’t he?

Speaking of pretentious douchebags, Issue Two unsurprisingly opens with a couple watching the Sean Hannity show. It’s a flashback to 2006 and the horrors of the Al Gore presidency. The voices of conservative freedom have yet to be silenced, I guess, for Hannity is busy mixing it up with his arch-foe, ultralib traitor Alan Colmes.

I’m going to pause here for a moment to refresh folks’ memories on exactly who Alan Colmes is (was?), since in future issues of LfA he becomes a daemonic force of evil whose very presence causes  conservative men to become gay and boils to break out on the skin of Republicans. The esteemed Mr. Colmes was, for a few years anyway, what Fox News referred to as a “hard-hitting liberal” commentator. He was, in fact, the only “liberal” on the entire  network, and his job was to function as Sean Hannity’s human punching bag. Hannity normally talked him down, interrupted him, insulted him and made him look ineffectual. The only people who took Colmes seriously were his employers at Fox. Most liberals considered him to be something of a joke, and in 2009 Fox News finally accepted reality and fired him. If you have any doubts that Colmes was nothing but a well-paid straw man erected just for Sean Hannity to knock down, you might want to read this or this.

Knowing this, it’s surprising that Mackey chooses to demonize the poor guy, transforming him into one of the architects of innocent, heroic Sean Hannity’s downfall. At least Lin’s caricature is recognizable for once, though the upturned devil-eyebrows seem kind of over the top to me. Mackey really picks the low-hanging fruit when it comes to targets for his savage satire, doesn’t he?

Anyway, back to the great debate. As might be expected, Sean Hannity is heroically demolishing the craven Colmes’ liberal delusions.

“Vice President Clinton said unlike her predecessor, she fully supported diverting even more money from the military budget to social programs here in America,” Colmes gushes.

“Finally!” ripostes Hannity. “A Hillary Clinton promise I can believe! What an administration! Is it any wonder Vice President Lieberman resigned?”

“And what,” counters the Spock-eyebrowed Colmes, “is wrong with reducing a bloated military?”

“BLOATED?” demands Sean. “We are abandoning military bases world wide, like rats leaving a sinking ship! Over the past six years, President Gore has done nothing but gut the military and grovel before the United Nations.”

“But with our strengthened relations with the UN,” drools Colmes, “we just don’t need the military like we used to!”

Well, enough is enough “Certs is a candy mint/No, Certs is a breath mint” style argumentation for Hannity. He brings up a satellite feed direct from Seoul, South Korea, where Fox News correspondent Oliver North is on the scene, reporting live on how the libs have betrayed our brave fighting doughboys and -girls.

Donny Lin's Oliver North, and the real Oliver North, in a much more familiar setting.

Donny Lin’s Oliver North, and the real Oliver North, in a much more familiar setting.

“Kim Jong-Il’s North Korean forces are slaughtering the South Koreans by the thousands,” he desperately reports, hoping someone, somewhere will hear him and end the liberal madness. “We’re calling the invasion of this city… THE SEOUL HARVEST.”

Oliver North, for the uninitiated, was a highly decorated USMC Lieutenant Colonel, and served as deputy director for political-military affairs in Ronald Reagan’s National Security Council. During his tenure he was accused of conspiring with Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega, and of involvement in the Iran-Contra affair, in which American arms were sold to the radical Islamists in Iran, with profits used to fund the anti-communist Contra rebels in Nicaragua. He was also alleged to have been directly involved in drug smuggling activities by the Contras, which they also used to fund their military operations. North was convicted of three felonies, but the convictions were overturned on a technicality by the fancy-pants lawyers at the American Civil Liberties Union. Once more, Mike Mackey chooses another noble, morally-unambiguous hero to represent his selfless cause.

(And it’s probably pointless to keep saying this, but comic-book Ollie North looks nothing like real-life Ollie North. While this is probably kicking Donny Lin while he’s down, I’m going to keep doing it, cuz I’m a liberal and have no heart.)

“We have been informed that the promised assistance from UN troops is not coming,” Ollie breathlessly continues. “I have never seen anything like this. It’s like…”

KER-WHOOM! A North Korean shell goes off nearby, and Ollie finishes.

“…HELL!” Talking straight into the camera, he concludes, “That was too close. America should know that President Gore has betrayed the…”

Too late, Ollie! The liberal cut the feed before you can reveal the depth of Al Gore’s treachery!

G. Gordon Liddy's dream of playing Brainiac in the next Superman film was cruelly crushed that day.

G. Gordon Liddy’s dream of playing Brainiac in the next Superman film was cruelly crushed that day.

Back to Sean “Babyface” Hannity, whom Donny Lin still makes appear to be about 17 years old, introducing his next guest, Sexy G himself, the G-meister, the OG, G-Man G. Gordon Liddy, who’s in town to attend the Fight for Freedom Rally at the soon-to-be-renamed Freedom Tower that’s being built on the site of the 9/11 tragedy.

“What is the big deal?” slobbers Colmes. “It hasn’t even been finished yet, so what is wrong with renaming an unfinished building? Don’t you believe in global unity?”

Sexy G sneers. “You mean like the unity between President Gore’s nose to (sic) that of the collective rear of the UN?”

Not only does Sexy G engage in incredibly convoluted metaphor, he can’t even state them grammatically.

And so we cut away from all the Colmes-bashing to the fireman from issue one and his son, little Reagan, our narrator. Dad you see, is in the national guard and is being deployed to the fiasco in Korea (if Al Gore is stabbing our troops in the back, why are we deploying fresh forces? No, never mind…).

Hey kid... Yer mom's hot. Since your dad's gonna be killed in Korea, do you think I could get her phone number?

Hey kid… Yer mom’s hot. Since your dad’s gonna be killed in Korea, do you think I could get her phone number?

Mom worries that dad’s going to lose his fireman’s wages, but dad’s adamant. “Honey,” he says, “I’ll be fine. And it’s my duty to go.”

“I know,” she replies, wiping away a patriotic tear, “but I want a bright future for Reagan… College and all that.”

Not to fear, dad replies. “He’ll have a bright future… As long as he has two parents that love him.”

Now if you’ve seen enough action movies, you know what’s coming next. Sean and Sexy-G are going to be signing books tomorrow, so mom suggests that she and little Reagan go downtown to get daddy that book he wanted.

“So he can take it to Korea wit him!” cries little Reagan. Damn he’s happy. Only the most savage, cruel-hearted monster would want to take so much happiness away. Someone like a…

Liberal.

I think little Reagan's teacher is a liberal lesbo or something... I mean, look at those sensible shoes.

I think little Reagan’s teacher is a liberal lesbo or something… I mean, look at those sensible shoes.

Next day, cute li’l Reagan is in school, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance (I’ll give you three guesses how that turns out).

Meanwhile, his droning narration begins in earnest.

“There is nothing more patriotic than freedom of speech” he tells us. “As long as you don’t say the wrong thing.”

Oh, you mean like US Out of Iraq or Hillary for President? I really can’t help making statements like that, since Mackey’s writing has a gigantic “KICK ME” sign taped to its back.

Okay, okay, let’s get it over with. Li’l Reagan says “Under God,” the teacher has a shit-fit and makes him stare at the flagpole until he learns his lesson. And while he does, some hyper-patriotic gradeschoolers haul down the UN flag that’s flying traitorously alongside Old Glory, then deface it and put it back.

Teacher returns. “Have you learned your lesson yet?” “Yes,” Reagan replies, and when the teacher looks out the window at the defaced UN flag she exclaims (altogether now), “OH, MY GOD!”

(That’s ironic, see? She objected to Reagan saying “Under God,” but when she saw the flag, she said, “Oh, my God,” so it’s funny and ironic. Another anvil falls on the reader’s head.)

“I am sick of hearing how the hyper-sensitive feel,” adult Reagan continues. “Where in the Bill of Rights does it say you have the right ‘not’ to be offended?”

Mom picks up li’l Reagan and he asks, “Mommy, what is a patriot?” (Honest to God, when I read the kid’s dialog, I imagine him talking with an adorable li’l lisp, as in “Mommy, what’s a patwiot?”)

Evidently Sean Hannity couldn't make it to the signing, so he had Tom Cruise fill in for him. Unfortunately Tom kept signing the books "best wishes from Galactic Emperor Xenu."

Sean Hannity couldn’t make it to the signing, so he had Tom Cruise fill in for him. Unfortunately Tom kept signing the books “best wishes from Galactic Emperor Xenu.”

“Well,” she replies, “someone who loves, supports and defends his country, I suppose. BUT ONLY IF IT’S RUN BY CONSERVATIVES! IF IT’S RUN BY LIBERAL DEMOCRATS, THEN YOU’RE A PATRIOT IF YOU HATE AND DESPISE YOUR GOVERNMENT, CLAIM IT ISN’T REALLY YOUR GOVERNMENT AT ALL, CALL EVERYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU A TRAITOR, INSULT YOUR ELECTED LEADERS AND BREAK THE LAW!”

Sorry, that’s not really in there… You see, I’m using irony, just like Mike Mackey.

Ahem… So the parade of predictability continues. “Like Daddy?” asks our lovable little conserva-tot.

“Yes,” mom replies, “I would say your daddy is definitely a patriot.”

This pleases li’l Reagan. “I’m going to be a patriot when I grow up,” he declares.

So mom and Reagan troop down to the bookstore to get Hannity’s latest screed signed. They missed Sexy G, but it’s okay. Reagan walks up to Sean and declares, “My daddy is a patriot!”

“Reagan,” says Sean, blinking away America-loving tears, “you should be proud of your father. He’s a great American!”

At least the wife and child of Noor, the not-evil Muslim, got to meet Tom Cruise before they died.

At least the wife and child of Noor, the not-evil Muslim, got to meet Tom Cruise before they died.

Sean’s next customer is a vaguely south-Asian looking guy named Noor Ilham and his headscarf-wearing wife. Knowing that not all Muslims are terrorists and that unlike the scourge of liberalism, Islam can be twisted to evil purposes by evil, unscrupulous men, Sean happily signs. Noor runs out to his car to get another book to sign, and Sean learns from Noor’s wife that he is a big fan and a bio-mechanical engineer, working on nanotech and bionic enhancements.

Wow, Sean exclaims, just like Oscar Goldman from The Six Million Dollar Man! You know… I think this might be plot material.

Well, his wonder is short-lived, for elsewhere in the building a filthy bearded terrorist is setting off a suicide vest while (of course) muttering “Allahu akbar!”

Somehow Super-Sean senses that this is happening and tries to throw himself onto Noor’s wife in a desperate effort to save her and their innocent little baby, but he is too late. The bookstore goes up like Mitt Romney’s election-night victory fireworks would have had he actually won the election, killing or maiming everyone and leaving poor Noor outside, with only his battered copy of Injustice and Liberality for All  to comfort him.

Knowing that without Sean Hannity to defend it, freedom itself will wither and die, al Qaeda strikes!

Knowing that without Sean Hannity to defend it, freedom itself will wither and die, al Qaeda strikes!

Before I continue, I have to say that for once I notice that Mackey has dialed back the silliness, for a moment at least. Noor is of course Oscar, the nanotech genius who gives super-Sean his magic arm and makes Sexy-G an immortal sexy beast with his amazing nanotechnology. As his wife is wearing a headscarf, I presume Noor is supposed to be of the Muslim faith, which is a level of subtlety that I never expected from the good Mr. Mackey. Amid a rising tide of clumsy writing and on-the-nose symbolism he’s thrown in a character with a tiny bit of nuance, and for an instant I began to wonder whether LfA wasn’t going to become a little less of an angry polemic.

Nah, no such luck. In the next scene we’re back to our usual hackyened fare as Sexy G is riding in a cab to the airport, listening (surprise!) to Rush Limbaugh. The Fat One is busy complaining about those damned libs who are trying to suppress Anne Coulter’s new book as “hate speech.”

“They will not rest,” he declares, “until they’ve silenced us all… Kkkkkk…. Krrrzzzz…”

CLANG! After a brief respite in the form of a realistic and interesting supporting character, the anvils are back, and they fall thick and fast from here on.

Filthy Muslim terrorists don't stand a chance against the sheer manliness of Sexy-G's massive forehead.

Filthy Muslim terrorists don’t stand a chance against the sheer manliness of Sexy-G’s massive forehead.

Sexy G gets out at his destination only to be jumped by a couple of filthy Arabs, who pull scimitars (yes, scimitars) from their louse-infested beards and attack, not knowing that they are doomed, for they face an American with a firearm.

Sexy G reaches into his coat. “Didn’t you ever hear the joke about the Islamofascist that (sic) brought a sword to a gun fight?”

(Hey, hold your horses, G-man… It’s not a gun! It’s a pistol or a weapon. And it should be treated with respect, even if it’s made by Smith and Wesson.)

He takes out the first assailant by shooting behind himself without aiming (what a hunka man!), then quips “Here’s the punchline” as he kneecaps the second.

“You two just cost me four bullets, at twenty-five cents each,” he growls. “I want my dollar back!”

Sensual and lithe as a muscular bald-headed panther he may be, but Sexy G needs to work on his wisecracks a little.

I'll go torture terrorists in a few minutes. Right now, me and Harley would like some sweet alone time...

I’ll go torture terrorists in a few minutes. Right now, me and Harley would like some sweet alone time…

Honestly, once more I’m pretty unclear about what happens next. G. Gordon pulls a shipping invoice from the wounded assassin, then we cut to the interior of a warehouse where a greasy guy in an apron is delivering a couple of barrels. Then G walks over to a crate that’s marked “Harley Davidson.”

He opens the crate, discovering a mint condition 1930 Harley that’s intended to be shipped to Saudi Arabia.

“I don’t think so,” Sexy G purrs, stroking the Harley like a lover.

“Trying to kill me,” he snarls, opening the trunk of his car and pulling out the wounded assassin, “that I might forgive. But condemning a Harley-Davidson to life in a desert. I DON’T THINK I CAN TOLERATE THAT!”

“Do you know what sand does to an antique engine? Sand sticks to oil,” he declares, throwing his prisoner to the ground and brandishing a bucket full of crimson liquid, “like pig’s blood sticks to skin!”

“NO! NOOOO!” cries the craven terrorist. “Allah will not…”

“Let you into heaven?” Sexy G holds up a bloody pig skin. “That’s right. Now you’ll tell me exactly what I want to know. Or I’ll duct tape these pig skins around you!”

After that, the cowardly terrorist’s resolve collapses like Alan Colmes’ arguments and he admits that bin Laden sent him to kill the famous and dangerous Sexy G, and others would die at the same time.

Great Scott! thinks Sexy G. That means that Rush and Anne might be… NO!

He turns on the radio only to hear the devastating news that freedom has been destroyed.

Liberality for All takes a hard turn into "Saw" territory.

Liberality for All takes a hard turn into “Saw” territory.

“…Among them Rush Limbaugh, who famously noted he had talent on loan from God, has settled his debt with the almighty today, found with half his brain behind his back. Others confirmed dead include Bill O’Reilly and Laura Ingraham, all killed in what seems to be a string of both attempted and successful assassinations on conservatives nationwide…”

This gets Sexy G’s patriotic dander up, believe you me. “I was only bluffing when I said I would duct tape pig skins to you,” he says, his voice a low throb of rage as he produces a pneumatic nailgun, “you see, I DON’T HAVE ANY DUCT TAPE!”

(Okay, I can dig the whole “nanites make GGL immortal” schtick — it’s a comic book, after all. But this portion of the comic is set in 2006. That a 76 year old Liddy can kick ass on two al Qaeda terrorists while looking all hot and buff and sexy goes a long way toward confirming my suspicion about Mike Mackey’s secret obsession with the guy.)

And so we leave our patriotic defender of liberty, busily torturing his captive to death with a nailgun in the great tradition of American warriors, and return to the tragedy at A to Z Books. Fox News reporter Kiran Chetry is bringing details of the atrocity live (of course it’s Fox — the other networks only report on dumb stuff like school massacres and mall shootings, SO THEY CAN TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS!), and like every good Fox reporter, shoves her microphone into the face of a grieving victim. It’s Noor, of course, who tells us that he’s lost both wife and child in the explosion.

Meanwhile, Reagan’s narration babbles on, to the point where I’ve pretty much stopped paying attention. “The loss of liberty leaves a void in the soul, which (sic) yearns for fulfillment. It’s the nature of those who have been robbed of such a precious gift to never stop searching for it.”

Sean Hannity zaps terrorism , just like he zaps liberals every week on his Fox News(TM) show!

Sean Hannity zaps terrorism, just like he zaps liberals every week on his Fox News(TM) show!

In a jarring shift back to the present day of 2021, Super-Sean comforts the grieving Noor. Noor dries his tears and mans right up, and gives Sean a big hand — a cybernetic hand, that is! He’s designed a brand new arm “using a new software code from my contact at the Department of Peace.”

(Of course, if the word “peace” is associated with anything in this series, it’s the traitorous, limp-wristed, daisy-eating libtards who are so naive as to think that there’s any alternative to constant warfare and violence. Silly people.)

“It’s tougher,” Noor tells Sean, “than the bionic liver I designed for Teddy. Just try not to be as hard on it.”

CLANG!

Evil just OOZES from Alan Colmes every disgusting liberal pore, doesn't it?

Evil just OOZES from Alan Colmes every disgusting liberal pore, doesn’t it?

Elsewhere in the secret Conserva-cave, Sexy G is cradling his big sword and watching Fox — Oops, sorry “Liberty International Broadcasting” (Get it? The initials are “L.I.B.” like LIBERAL, because the media is RUN BY LIBERALS! Hence, the initials L.I.B., because that’s short for “LIBERAL”!) — where Alan Colmes downright daemonic visage dominates the airwaves.

I guess Alan Colmes got a shot of some kind of super-nanite serum too, because in Mackey’s world he’s an evil mastermind who pals around with terrorists. He’s hosting live coverage of a visit to the White House by your friend and mine, the greatest and most generous, peace-loving guy in the world, his buddy Ambassador Usama bin Laden!

Fun-loving Usama is introduced by the snail-eating UN General Secretary to the rather hot President Chelsea and her cringing, bowing and scraping fat tub of subhuman lard vice president, Michael Moore, who drools “Sir, it continues to be an honor advancing your efforts.”

Soon after taking office as vice president, liberal filmmaker Michael Moore announced that he was actually a moleman.

Soon after taking office as vice president, liberal filmmaker Michael Moore announced that he was actually a moleman.

“And this,” Chelsea says, indicating a baby held by a black nanny, “is my son, William Jefferson.”

(Who’s his father? I’m sure we’ll find out in a future issue and it will be another subtle and sophisticated jab at a liberal icon.)

“He stays here while you rule this nation?” Usama asks, for no other reason than to give Mackey another straight line.

“Oh, little Willie just loves to play in the Oval Office,” gibbers the quivering, sweat-covered vice president. “He always has.”

CLANG.

(It’s a joke, see? President Bill Clinton had SEX in the White House. And “Willie” is slang for “PENIS.” So when Michael Moore says that “Little Willie just loves to play in the Oval Office,” he’s actually referring to Bill Clinton having SEX IN THE WHITE HOUSE! It’s a JOKE! Get it????)

Oh, NO HE DIDN'T!

Oh, NO HE DIDN’T!

Usama then scares the hell out of the baby and admires the Oval Office. He looks greedily toward the president’s chair.

“The fates of many nations were decided from this very spot. May I have the pleasure?” he says, moving to sit down in it.

Needless to say, the cringing Secretary General and the crawling, sycophantic Moore say “yes,” even though President Chelsea says it’s “inappropriate.”

America's chair of freedom is crushed by the ass of tyranny.

America’s chair of freedom is crushed by the ass of tyranny.

“How comfortable it is!” declares the filthy killer of thousands as he leans back in the most sacred chair in freedom-loving America. “I must admit I always wanted to do this.”

Back at underwater Conserva-lair One, our heroes are of course outraged.

“Ollie,” Sean says, slapping one of his companions on the back, “for once, be glad you’re blind!”

(Yeah, yeah, it’s Oliver North. The crowd goes wild.)

Our orgy of conservative outrage is interrupted by the appearance of a hot blonde in a halter top (no, not the Liberty Belle from Issue One, dammit, but she does bear some resemblance to what a conservative might think Anne Coulter looks like), who tells Ollie that her mission is accomplished (where have we heard that before, I wonder?)

She draws back the cover on a giant computer console, and Ollie tells his friends that it is “The S.D.I. Mobile Command Center, and with it, the return of the Strategic Defense Initiative!”

Holy shit, those terrorists are in trouble now!  Issue Two ends on this high note, and we’re told to wait for Issue Three:

This can't be Anne Coulter... Her adam's apple is missing.

This can’t be Anne Coulter… Her adam’s apple is missing.

“As Ambassador bin Laden’s ‘apology’ approaches, President Chelsea Clinton begins to question America’s ties with the United Nations. G. Gordon Liddy’s [gorgeous, sexy] body undergoes repairs that explain both his and Hannity’s origins. Although blind, Oliver North begins to set his sights on freedom as Reagan McGee remembers a day he wishes he could forget.”

We end with another letters column. The lead-off is from some hipster who says he read LfA cover-to-cover in the comic shop and didn’t pay for it, and Mackey justifiably condemns the creep as an Anti-American pinko fag.

The next letter is from a conservative essentially telling the libs that they can dish it out but can’t take it, since they’ve been so mean and unfair to poor President Bush and all those patriotic Republicans, it’s only just that LfA be just as distorted and stupid.

Just another American, showing his patriotism in the spirit of G. Gordon Liddy.

Just another American, showing his patriotism in the spirit of G. Gordon Liddy.

“The America portrayed in the comic,” he concludes, “could easily become reality if the far left gained control. I’m still waiting for a lib to prove me wrong, hasn’t (sic) come up yet.”

When he says “far left” of course, he means moderate Democrats, since at this point Hannity and his friends considered Hillary Clinton to be a dangerous, unhinged extremist ultraliberal.

Another letter complains about the whole “Coulter Laws” thing, assuming (correctly) that Mackey considers the Fairness Doctrine to be the first of these laws. Mackey replies, “Congrats to Dan, our first liberal reader to view the ‘Coulter Laws’ as ‘fairness.’ No doubt interrupting one of Anne Coulter’s college speeches is what you consider ‘equal time’?”

Mackey shows a certain native cleverness here, using a classic “straw man” attack. Since other people whom you agree with have done something unethical (interrupting Anne Coulter’s speech at a university, which happened a couple of times), therefore you must also believe that it’s okay. Therefore, you are a foe of free speech and support censorship.

Of course he doesn’t have any clue as to whether Dan supported interfering with Anne Coulter’s free speech, but since he’s brought it up he walks away claiming victory.

See above.

See above.

As for the Fairness Doctrine, it was government policy from 1949 to 1987, and required holders of broadcast licenses to both present controversial issues of public importance and to do so in a manner that was, in the Commission’s view, honest, equitable and balanced. By no definition would the Fairness Doctrine have “censored” Anne Coulter — in fact, it required that views like hers be presented, but only if done so in a “fair and balanced” manner (sound familiar?).

In 2005, when LfA was being published, there was a move in congress to restore enforcement of the Fairness Doctrine, and needless to say, it caused conservatives to have kittens. The move went nowhere, and the Fairness Doctrine is today something of a dinosaur, with the Obama administration instead advocating for opening the airwaves to more broadcasters with as many diverse viewpoints as possible.

Whether the Fairness Doctrine was a good idea or not is up to the individual. Rather than taking Mike Mackey’s word for it, free speech and ethics expert that he is, read about it here and decide for yourself. The fact is that it was in place in this country for nearly 40 years and did not result in a liberal dictatorship, nor did it cause — directly or indirectly — the confiscation of firearms or a takeover by the United Nations.

Mackey gets a couple more letters telling him how fucking hilarious he is, to which he replies, “One thing is certain: Conservatives and Liberals seem to live in such different worlds that praise from the icons of one side is viewed as pathetically amusing by the other. So I will leave it to each reader to answer the question: ‘Liberality For All': Serious or Satire, Parody or Prophecy?”

See above.

Ditto.

(See my suggestion above that LfA is just a huge conservative wank-fest… If Mackey were attempting to educate or change minds, I might feel a tad more respect for him, but since he’s pretty much admitted that LfA is a right-wing stroke-book, I’m not terribly inclined to take him seriously.)

Finally we end with a conservative fan, who pretty much confirms my opinion of Mackey’s serious readers by saying, “Finally, a voice of reason has decided to create a comic worth collecting. Surely, this comic is going to raise the wrath of the uninformed, hate-their-own-country, pacifistic, boot-licking left. I must say though, it truly terrifies me that this work of fiction could be a work of fact if the vocal minority were allowed to have their way.”

I give up… This really isn’t a satire, is it? This is what certain hard-right demagogues thought would really have happened had Al Gore been elected president. It’s alternate history written by the John Birch Society. It’s a clarion call to keep the Democrats out of the White House, and a dire prediction of what will transpire should another lib win the presidency.

Good thing no liberal has been in the White House since George W, huh? I mean, if one of those bleeding hearts actually won the election through some weird fluke, we’d be overrun by terrorists in no time… The UN black helicopters would be swooping down to take our guns while our schools would be turned into socialist indoctrination centers, where our precious little angels would be transformed into propaganda-spouting junior revolutionaries… I mean, damn! Thank God no damn liberal has managed to…

Oh, wait.

Sorry, never mind.

Do you think that Donny Lin used a cartoon circus strongman as his model for G. Gordon Liddy? I'm half-convinced myself.

Do you think that Donny Lin used a cartoon circus strongman as his model for G. Gordon Liddy? I’m half-convinced myself.

Issue Two concludes with more art, including some nice sketches of our heroes. Oliver North (listed as “Oliver Hero”) is extending his arm, allowing an American eagle (what else?) with an approximately 10-foot wingspan to land on it, while Sexy G is at his sexiest, casting a smoldering glance of to one side, resplendent in sensual black leather, a rigid steel saber clutched firmly in one massive forepaw.

If nothing else, Liberality for All did its best to turn an aging felon like G. Gordon Liddy into a sex symbol. Too bad it only ran three issues.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of this exciting report in my next exciting post!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>