Archive for January, 2013

Yes, I know it's photoshopped. But it's so appropriate...

Yes, I know it’s photoshopped. But it’s so appropriate…

One of the reasons I love Metalocalypse is its farcical sense of self-importance. In the show’s world, death metal is the most popular form of music and the band Deathklok is the world’s sixth-largest economy. It’s been described as the world that death metal fans wish existed.

Liberality for All takes that same attitude and transfers it to the real world. Here, conservative talking heads and bloggers like Rush, Coulter, O’Reilly, Matt Drudge and even the likes of Dr. Laura Ingraham (apparently Glenn Beck was too wacky even for Mike Mackey, as I note he is never once mentioned in the series) are pillars of American freedom, and the last bulwark of democracy in a nightmare world of liberal tyranny. Needless to say, they are the first targets of the Islamofascist hit-squads after 9/11, and once they’re gone the forces of darkness have free reign to conquer the nation. That Mike Mackey endows a bunch of political talking heads with such awesome power is proof that he drank about a gallon of Fox News’ Kool-Aid before writing each issue of LfA.

This is pretty high-falutin’ stuff, especially for what critics have since begun to refer to as the “Conservative Entertainment Complex.” A more nuanced view of these people might suggest that, rather than freedom and democracy, their goal is to make money and obtain higher ratings, and to tell conservatives what they want to hear. The case could be made that, in the last election, far from acting as guardians of conservative principles, they actually contributed to the defeat of the Republican candidate by assuring right-wing voters that the polls were all wrong, and the usurper/socialist/Kenyan Obama was on the way to absolute and certain defeat. The exile of Sarah Palin, Karl Rove and Dick Morris from the hallowed halls of Fox News is just one sign of the onset of reality.

Although the third and unexpectedly final issue of Liberality for All was on the stands, Mike Mackey had even more ambitious plans for shattering the liberal’s stranglehold on liberty. He released a short preview (available on the old website here), cleverly titled Libarro World, which was intended to run as a supporting feature in LfA. I’m not going to bother lampooning it — Mackey does a perfectly good job on his own. Suffice to say it’s a one-joke strip in which conservative duplicates of Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Howard Dean (seriously? Howard Dean?) and Ted Kennedy are created in a scientific accident, much to the chagrin of their babbling, oblivious libtard originals (recall, this is set in the fantasy world of Mike Mackey’s conservative imagination in which relatively conservative democrat Hillary Clinton is a loony leftist extremist and legitimate military veteran John Kerry is a draft-dodging flip-flopper).

As heavy-handed as the rest of LfA (sample jokes… Hillary shrieks “Does it take a village to get this thing started or what?”, Dean says to Kerry “For crying out loud! We just voted! First you vote for it… Now you vote against it?” and keeps suggesting — big surprise — that they clear everything through the UN), the never-completed supporting feature pokes crude fun at a former DNC chairman, two future secretaries of state and a now-dead senator. Enough said.

So with that needless prolog out of the way, we can proceed to the end of our trip through Liberality for All.

RIP, Matt Drudge -- a real patriot, slain by treachery. His spirit shall LIVE ON!

RIP, Matt Drudge — a real patriot, slain by treachery. His spirit shall LIVE ON!

Liberality for All: Issue Three

Regrettably, Issue Three is still stuck in flashback-land, mostly following the tale of the svelte, muscular and sleekly hairless (save for that hot moustache, of course)  Sexy G, aka G. Gordon Liddy.

I’m going to reiterate that while Mackey seems determined to transform his conservative heroes into smoldering slabs of man-muscle for his own amusement, nowhere is this more evident than in the portrayal of the fragile, septuagenarian Liddy, who despite his advancing years (and without the benefit of the magical nanites that grant eternal youth and sexiness to both him and his partner Sean Hannity) still struts around the pages of LfA in tight pants, wielding massive and manly weapons, and kicks ass like a 20-year-old Navy Seal. His journey from elderly criminal and Fox News contributor to sex-god for a new era continues unabated in this issue.

To satisfy all those Republican comic collectors who are clamoring for more, LfA #3 again features two covers, and what covers they are. The first portrays a young boy — presumably li’l Reagan McGee — trying to tear down the hateful UN flag and replace it with the stars and stripes, presumably soaked in the blood of patriots and martyrs to liberalism.

The second cover is my favorite of the entire series — It portrays conservative blogger Matt Drudge, his signature porkpie hat lying nearby, his computer screen (with “Drudge Report” across it, in case we missed the point) splattered with his blood, while two treacherous thugs, their blue uniforms emblazoned with UN insignia, stand over him with drawn weapons. Matt’s dead of course (just like all us treacherous liberals wanted all along), but his face is turned away from the viewer, so I can’t tell whether Donny Lin fucked his portrait up as well.

The credits page lists Mike and Donny of course, and unaccountably also includes credits for Libarro World, which was penciled by one Aditia Wardhana and colored by one “Nichx.” Once more, Mike Mackey appears to have turned his back on good old red-blooded American comic artists, farming out his artwork to Indonesians, who presumably work for a lot less money. And once more, the artist appears to have vanished from sight, as a quick Google search reveals that there are a LOT of Indonesians named Aditia (or Aditya) Wardhana, but none list their occupation as “comic book artist.”

LfA now returns to the white house as young President Chelsea turns her hateful visitor, Ambassador Usama (btw, I’m using Mackey’s spelling, “Usama” rather than the more common “Osama” — he probably did so because only liberals spell it that way) over to the fat and sweaty care of VP Moore, who shows him around, eager as a young puppy to serve his new terrorist master.

Michael Moore in his motorized wheelchair. Because he's so FAT, you see. Because LIBERALS are FAT.

Michael Moore in his motorized wheelchair. Because he’s so FAT, you see. Because LIBERALS are FAT.

Now poor li’l Chelsea (who Lin portrays as a real babe, by the way — something that I find vaguely creepy) tells the black nanny to make sure she washes little William Jefferson to remove the bloodstains left by Usama’s murderous fingers, then addresses the hateful, wizened, America-hating surrender monkey himself, UN Secretary General Jacque Chirac (who, as president of DIRTY, SURRENDERING FRANCEREFUSED to join with George W. Bush’s COALITION OF THE WILLING when we went into Iraq to take out that MONSTER, Saddam Hussein, thus showing that he HATES AMERICA and is a DIRTY SURRENDERING FRENCHMAN, now head of the UNITED NATIONS, who have TAKEN OVER AMERICA and TAKEN AWAY OUR GUNS. Everyone knows that the French do nothing but surrender and give in to terrorists, and are clearly ENEMIES OF AMERICA. I’m emphasizing this because I’m afraid that Mike Mackey might have used too light of a touch in his original and people might not get it).

The conversation between Chelsea and Chirac is, once more, a prime cut of Mike Mackey’s worldview. “We need much more than we originally asked for” from the UN, Chelsea says, her big doe eyes gleaming with tears as she realizes how her own mother betrayed the land she loves so much.

“Chelsea,” Chirac replies, all Gallic reason and sympathy while contemptuously referring to the president by her first name, “why don’t you follow in your parents’ footsteps and raise taxes on the rich?”

"Run for president, Chelsea," they said. "It'll be fun, Chelsea."

“Run for president, Chelsea,” they said. “It’ll be fun, Chelsea,” they said.

Hard cheese, Frog-boy. “There are no rich in America anymore,” Chelsea mourns, thinking fondly of how the wealth of billionaires like Donald Trump used to rain down upon the nation like a shower of gold. “When their tax rate hit 90%, most of them emigrated to Britain or Israel.”

Fun Facts for Conservatives: The top tax rate in the United States is now 39.6%. In our heroic ally Britain, the top rate is 50%, and in our heroic ally Israel it’s 46%. Both of these states also have national healthcare, or as you like to call it “socialism.” In that socialistic police-state to the north commonly called “Canada,” the top rate is 54%, and that is one of the highest in the world. No state has a 90% top tax rate, not even the hateful communists in China or the backwards rustics of Sweden. Just keepin’ things in perspective.

Back to Chirac’s beatdown of poor Chelsea. “Just like the rich,” he says, nibbling on a snail while surrendering to the Germans, “always thinking of themselves first, never the good of the whole. Which reminds me, the recent recovery of Hannity’s laptop may lead to the discovery of FOIL’s lair.”

Nice try with the non-sequitur (sorry for using a French word for something, but I can’t think of a better one) says Chelsea, but what about the money?

No can do, Chirac replies, sipping champagne out of his mistress’ high-heeled shoe while smoking a pack of cigarettes. Not a good time. Nosireebob.

Chelsea furrows her little brow and stamps her little foot at this. “Do you realize the sacrifices America has made to the UN over the past decades? [And by 'America' I assume she means 'The United States of America' but like many conservatives, Mackey believes that the US occupies two entire continents.] America is on the verge of bankruptcy because of our capitulation to the very nations that make up the UN!”

If only Reagan had been armed, this never would have happened.

If only Reagan had been armed, this never would have happened.

(Try saying that three times fast… In the words of Harrison Ford, “Hey George — maybe you can write this crap, but you sure as hell can’t say it!”)

Chirac now shows his true colors — yellow. “Madame President,” he sneers, “your tone is as if (sic) you have wealth or military strength to bargain with… YOU DO NOT! For now you will make do with what the UN allows you to have. MWAAAHAHAHAHA! Bring me another prostitute!”

(That last part is mine, but you have to admit that it makes sense.)

Chirac stomps away, leaving Chelsea to go wash her hands.

CLANG.

Now back to Reagan McGee, typing at his computer (the libs actually let people have computers? Holy shit, they’re dumber than I thought, and believe me that is dumb) when his mom (having after 20 years graduated to MILF status) hands him a present that his dad wanted him to have. She’s been holding onto it for two decades, and I wonder what it is. It’s way too small to be a firearm, but as far as I’m concerned that’s THE ONLY THING HE COULD HAVE GIVEN HIS SON THAT WOULD HAVE ALLOWED HIM TO FIGHT FOR FREEDOM…

Sorry. Seriously, this whole thing is really starting to affect my mind. As young Reagan accepts his prezzy and we prepare for yet another flashback, the TV drones on with the usual, predictable libtard news.

No, seriously. This is all us liberals really wanted from the guy... sheesh... Was that so hard?

No, seriously. This is all us liberals really wanted from the guy… sheesh… Was that so hard?

“…Ambassador bin Laden’s apology at the Unity Tower in New York… At 8:45 a.m. tomorrow, as light bathes the Unity Tree, Ambassador bin Laden will apologize while promising to usher in a new era… is also being celebrated at the Light-of-Peace [Uh-oh, it's the word "peace" -- must be another dumb liberal thing] ceremony in Hollywood hosted by Barbra Streisand [SEE? Told you.]…”

(Yup, you got us cold, Mackey… All us liberals wanted was an apology from that mean ol’ bin Laden. All he had to do was gaze into the video camera, make his eyes real big and say, “I’m sowwy,” and our liberal hearts would have melted. “C’mere, ya big lug,” we’d croon, throwing our arms around good ol’ Usama and holding him close. “I can’t stay mad at you!”)

Okay, back to six-year-old Reagan, sitting in class being programmed by his fellow-traveler teacher.

“Decades of saber-rattling and military posturing by warmongers caused a divide in the world,” she lectures. “Under President Hillary Clinton’s wise leadership, we are withdrawing our violent forces from all over the world, to be absorbed into UN peacekeeping forces.”

On the blackboard, of course, are the words From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs, which needless to say is something that Hillary Clinton was careful to work into every one of her communisitic, America-hating speeches, and which she repeated every night before going to bed, instead of praying like a good American.

None of this sits well with the li’l patriot Reagan. Idiot, he thinks. Feeding us this garbage again. I… can’t… take… this… ANYMORE!”

“My father is in the army reserve and he can barely retreat without bullets!” Reagan declares. That’s one thoughtful six-year-old, dontcha think?

The teacher raises a finger to scold our little renegade. “Your warmongering father should not be there in the first place!”

“America has been betrayed by the UN!” Reagan shouts, in a cry that soon will be echoed by thousands — nay, millions — as they rise up in righteous anger. Again, pretty good for a first-grader.

Well, just as the teacher’s about to send Reagan to the Gulag, he’s instead called to the principal’s office. On the way, he punches the condom-dispenser that’s in the middle of the grade-school hallway (because us liberals WANT CHILDREN TO HAVE SEX and want CONDOM DISPENSERS IN KINDERGARTEN… CLANG!) and stomps into the office, only to see an Army sergeant with a letter for him. He gets the message (like we weren’t expecting it) and runs out screaming (altogether now) “NO!” (Btw, the message is that his dad’s dead, slain by the liberal traitors… I mean North Koreans or something.)

He’s still screaming when he runs out onto the schoolyard, past a newspaper with the headline Fox News Bankrupt!, past a flagpole where the UN flag flies above the stars and stripes, and past a big sign that says SUPPORT U.N.IFICATION

(I’m beginning to think that his school’s name is Clumsy Right-Wing Metaphor Elementary or something, given the sheer density of symbolic elements that surround poor little Reagan.)

Some day, Little Reagan, you'll haul this flag down and spit on it. No, not that one... The blue one... No, wait...

Some day, Little Reagan, you’ll haul this flag down and spit on it. No, not that one… The blue one… No, wait…

As he’s out there, he sees another little girl being forced to stare at the flagpole, up in his classroom and their eyes meet (does she grow up to be that hot Liberty Belle chick I wonder…). As Reagan stands beneath the flapping, fluttering symbol of EVIL INCARNATE (that would be the UN flag), his shadow grows into that of a God-fearing, gun-loving, freedom-fighting-for American MAN, and we’re back in the present.

And speaking of presents, he’s still holding the one from his dad and hasn’t opened it, while the libtard news continues to blather.

It’s the evil Alan Colmes again. “With us today,” he says, “is Freedom’s guardian, who is also a PETA representative… So why is Freedom dying?”

CLANG! You see FREEDOM, is actually a BALD EAGLE, and the bald eagle is the SYMBOL of AMERICA. And since the EAGLE (named FREEDOM) is DYING, then FREEDOM in AMERICA is DYING, too. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

“Well Alan,” replies the PETA guy (and for once Mackey and I agree on something, and it’s that PETA is a bunch of loons, but that’s a discussion for another day), “since the death of his mate Glory [CLANG!] he has refused to eat his prey, flavored soy pseudo-rats.”

“How about feeding Freedom live prey?” Colmes asks, knowing the answer.

“His soy-prey has the same nutritional value,” huffs the PETA guy, “and live prey? Well, that’s just plain MURDER. Instead of starvation, we have decided to put Freedom to a humane death tomorrow.”

Get it? They’re PUTTING FREEDOM to DEATH, which symbolizes the DEATH OF FREEDOM IN AMERICA.

Did you hear me? I said, THE DEATH OF FREEDOM IN AMERICA!

We never do find out what Dad’s present to little Reagan was, but Mom does say, “He would be so proud of you.”

Reagan shakes his head sadly. “I haven’t done anything for him to be proud of…” He raises his eyes with growing hope and determination, gazing at the screen where Freedom the Eagle stands, condemned to death by liberal/PETA treachery and says, “…Yet.”

She keeps the cross of Jesus close to her heart. Close to her quivering, softly-swelling, pale pink heart...

She keeps the cross of Jesus close to her heart. Close to her quivering, softly-swelling, pale pink heart…

Back at FOIL HQ, Sexy G is there, clad in a tight, tight, TIGHT turtleneck and what appear to be riding breeches (but are probably supposed to be military-style trousers with cargo pockets), inspecting a wounded finger, while extending his neck to a length of approximately two feet. Nearby, a hot blonde in a tight, tight TIGHT body suit stands, holding a smoking automatic rifle (and it ain’t the ONLY thing that’s smokin’, believe me). She has a huge silver cross around her neck, too, a symbol of her unending devotion to Jesus, hanging sweetly between her succulent, overflowing breasts.

“Nice shot,” Liddy says.

“I aim to please, Lovie,” replies Ms. Hottie. Holy crap. Is she actually fucking this 90-year-old fossil, or is she just flirting with him? Either way… Creepy. She’s still unidentified, btw — I think Ollie North called her Diana (though she looked different in Issue One), and Mackey never once mentioned Anne Coulter as being a member of FOIL. Perhaps she’s actually Sarah Palin, rejuvenated by the power of nanites and provided with huge, supple, heaving breasts and a round, sensual ass.

Noor (aka “Oscar”) is nearby, mixing up his special formula. “Quickly, Gordon,” he urges. “I can’t measure the effectiveness of your cellular reconstruction until you’re unconscious.”

“Too bad Annie is not operational,” Gordon complains. “We could use her tomorrow. Can you imagine Annie wading through all those UN troops? It would be a massacre!”

“True,” agrees Noor, “but let’s get you five by five before worrying about robotic PMS!”

Yup, nothing like a sexist joke about how cranky women get at that time of the month to cement your rep as a fearless conservative defender of freedom, Mike. Keep up the good work.

So Sexy G reclines his rippling muscular manliness on Oscar’s exam table and drifts off to slumberland, hoping that this time he doesn’t have nightmares.

No such luck. We’re back in 2006, when, in the words of Reagan’s interminable narration, “terrorists tried to kill every vocal conservative. And all the free health care in the world would not help those killed.”

They apparently didn't bother with Glenn Beck. Everyone KNOWS he's crazy...

They apparently didn’t bother with Glenn Beck. Everyone KNOWS he’s crazy…

CLANG!

“I was only a child, but I don’t remember too many tears shed in the media. Like other times when patriots have died, it seemed unpopular to step forth to support the fallen.”

(Get it? Because LIBERALS HATE HEROES and HATE AMERICA!! You know, I’m starting to get a little hoarse from pointing out Mackey’s subtle messages, but I’ll carry on, because… well, fuck… You know… AMERICA!)

G. Gordo, fresh off nailgunning that evil terrorist, visits the hospital to see how his special buddy, Sean Hannity is doing. There, he meets Ollie North and Noor, who is determined to save the gravely wounded Sean, and with him, freedom.

“My machines can make him as good as new,” he says, patriotic determination oozing from every pore. “In fact, better than he was before.”

Their bedside conversation is interrupted by the cops, who show up to arrest poor G. Gordon “for the possession and illegal discharge of a gun within the city limits.”

(For the last time, libtards… It’s not a GUN, it’s a WEAPON or a FIREARM!)

Back in Oscar’s lab, Noor notes “His nanites are reacting very aggressively. Cellular repair and telomere replacement both at a consistent 102%. That means unless he takes a bullet through the pump… He’s probably now immortal!”

G. Gordon Liddy — hot and sexy… forever! Yes, Liberality for All is a true conservative fantasy. Too bad it’s not real.

…Or is it?

Okay, back to the G-dog’s remembrances. A long-haired hippy-type lawyer is talking to the press, liberal platitudes and hate-speech spewing from his disgusting left-wing cakehole.

“Mr. Liddy’s archaic belief in the Second Amendment has earned him 30 years in federal prison,” he says, “which is the mandatory minimum sentence for the possession of a handgun within the New York City Limits. And although no body was found, human and pig blood were discovered in a warehouse where we believe Mr. Liddy brought harm to an innocent Arab youth.”

Oh yeah? How about a TERRORIST Arab youth, huh? I mean, hell, it’s up to conservatives to defend freedom, and if it takes torturing a suspect with a nailgun, then by God and Jesus and all that’s fuckin’ holy THEY’RE GONNA DO IT! Because… Well… AMERICA!

“In this new American era,” Reagan prattles on, “yesterday’s patriots are today’s criminals, and history always makes the determination (sic) between the two. Obviously, crime pays, or there’s be no crime, but does patriotism pay when leaders turn away from the nation’s founding principles of yesterday? Who can blame those of us who embrace such criminals (sic).”

Back in the lab, Noor suggests that “the nannites (sic) in Gordon’s biosystem are exceeding their design capabilities… I may be able to help Sean and Ollie with their vision… Maybe even get Annie to behave rationally.”

Ms, Hottie, who is sitting in on the proceedings, and calls everyone “Lovie” (maybe she’s fucking all of them… even conservatives need casual sex now and then, I guess), says that “Annie” makes her uncomfortable, while in the corner we see the shadow of a high-heeled figure shrouded in covers. Maybe that’s the mysterious “Annie” — a hot, spike-heeled warrior robot with the stars and stripes painted across her generous bosom, perhaps? We’ll never know.

Back to G’s past. With no explanation of how he slipped his treacherous liberal-forged bonds, we see Sexy G being picked up by Ollie North at New York Harbor with the betrayed Statue of Liberty (a gift from the French, wasn’t it?) in the background.

“The base is not far,” heroic Oliver says, “Our liberal masters saw fit to close Manhattan’s FEMA base. Sean, Oscar and I reopened it!”

Sexy G expresses concern that Ollie is going blind (“Yep! A bit more each day,” North replies), and that this might be contributing to the fact that he’s driving them both straight into Long Island Sound.

No fear, they drive into the hold of the carp-shaped supersub we saw in Issue One.

“Once Hillary closed all the military bases, they scrapped the top secret toys as well,” Oliver explains to a chorus of falling anvils. “The base could survive a nuclear strike against the city, and has underwater access… Because of a few silent patriots on the ‘Right’ side [get it? RIGHT SIDE] this base has been erased from all recorded records.”

Recorded records? Damn. It would be terrible if it was still on all of those unrecorded records, wouldn’t it?

“The Coulter Laws have made us all fugitives,” Ollie continues. “I guess it’s appropriate that this base is underground.”

So Sexy G meets his fellow rebels, Oscar and Cyber-Sean, and together they begin the fight for freedom.

Remember when Sexy G said he was afraid of nightmares? Well, he gets one, and boy is it hilarious. He dreams he’s sleeping, and a hand touches his naked shoulder.

This is so damned funny. I haven't laughed so much since watching the last "Fox and Friends."

This is so damned funny. I haven’t laughed so much since watching the last “Fox and Friends.”

“Wake up, GG,” whispers a coarse but feminine voice. “It’s time for our ‘STAFF MEETING! [It's subtle, but I THINK she means SEX].”

Sexy G rolls over to see his partner, and sets eyes on the most hideous harpy from hell…

HILLARY CLINTON!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

“I thought I didn’t know what fear was,” he mutters, quivering in terror.

Okay, enough hilarity… Back to the serious subject matter — bionic conservatives fighting terrorists and liberals.

Oscar is discussing a nanite treatment with Oliver North (and we all know how that’s going to turn out, don’t we… Not one, not two, but THREE bionic, nanite-enhanced patriots to battle for justice…), while on the big monitor Alan Colmes, Prince of Evil, says that tomorrow is the day that the good and kind-hearted Ambassador bin Laden is going to deliver his apology.

Then we see the Freedom the Eagle broadcast, in which the slimy PETA guy reveals that he’s going to kill Freedom. Get it? Kill Freedom… Because Freedom is…

O0ps, sorry. I already explained that.

Sexy G watches the story, eyes narrowing, wheels spinning with in his gleaming, hairless and oh-so-strokable head, while the blonde chick smiles seductively at Cyber-sean and escorts him and Ollie from the chamber, presumably for a hot all-right-wing three-way.

Also in an inset, we see Noor slipping unnoticed from the room. What could that signify, I wonder?

Okay, okay, let’s wrap this travesty up, shall we?

Next we’re at UN HQ, where the treacherous Jacques Chirac is talking to a black-clad, buzz-cut blonde Aryan type, discussing how they’re going to find that damned elusive Hannity.

Soon, Herr Chirac, ve vill begin ze FINAL SOLUTION for ze disposal of zese troublesome conservatives... Heh, heh.

Soon, Herr Chirac, ve vill begin ze FINAL SOLUTION for ze disposal of zese troublesome conservatives… Heh, heh.

The blonde guy turns out to be a German UN military rep, named Commander Hissler. (Get it? His name is HISSLER, and he’s GERMAN. Just like HITLER. And his NAME is “HISSLER” so it sounds just like HITLER, because the UN is just like NAZIs, and GERMANS are… No, wait… This whole clumsy allegory thing is really starting to break down, isn’t it?)

Herr Hissler assures Chirac that the robbery at the Department of Peace resulted in the theft of only one item, something called “a Glucus Communication device. After 34 years, we are not concerned with any security issue it might pose.”

Boy, is HE gonna be SURPRISED when SEAN HANNITY uses the GLUCUS DEVICE TO RESTORE FREEDOM IN ISSUE EIGHT! HAW!

“And the conservative dissidents?” Chirac asks, and Hissler chuckles.

“UN forces found Matt Drudge hours ago. His website is now shut down… permanently. And during the arrest…” Hissler flashes an evil, evil UN-German-Nazi-Communist-Socialist-terrorist-tax-the-rich grin, “he apparently committed ‘suicide.’ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH!”

(Again, I editorialize. He doesn’t really laugh. He just grins happily.)

“Finally,” continues Chirac, “what of FOIL?”

“We have an expert working on that right now,” replies the blonde thug, lovingly stroking his blue ray copy of Farenheit 9/11. “Thanks to Dr. Noor Ilham, who has joined us, we are attempting to retrieve security data from Hannity’s laptop.”

NOOR ILHAM! You mean “Oscar” — the guy who saved Sean Hannity’s life, made G. Gordon Liddy the sexiest beast among all sexy beasts, who has fought for justice and America and freedom for all three issues of this magnificent comic? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Say it ain't so, Noor! SAY IT AIN'T SO!

Say it ain’t so, Noor! SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Yes, it’s Oscar, betraying his friends and sucking up to the United Nations traitors.  “I will be able to tell you everything about the location of the FOIL lair. In a few short hours (sic),” he assures Chirac. “Rest assured, nothing will stop the ambassador’s address tomorrow.”

“Sometimes,” Reagan McGee’s narration closes this issue, and with it, the entire run of Liberality for All, “you just don’t know who to trust.”

The issue ends with a couple of color plates, one of McGee and Gordon kidnapping Freedom the Eagle (like we weren’t expecting that), and the blind and brokenhearted Ollie North kneeling in the street with a discarded and battered American flag clutched in his freedom-loving hands.

Of course, the shocking “twist” ending is nothing of the kind… From the previous issues it’s obvious that Noor/Oscar has no intention of betraying his conservative buddies. He already knows the location of the secret freedom lair, he already controls the programming and operation of Hannity’s bionics, and he already is injecting weird substances into both Sexy G and blind Ollie. Unless he’s hatching a grotesquely convoluted plot against FOIL, it’s clear he’s acting as a mole in the UN, misleading them as part of Sean and Gordo’s plan to stop bin Laden’s plot against New York, and retake control of the traitorous LIB network.

And so, on a note of false suspense which fools no one, “America’s first conservative comic book” comes to a close, and you can probably predict pretty easily how the next five issues will go. More flashbacks, more disjointed blather from Reagan McGee, the rescue of Freedom the Eagle, the cyber-punching of bin Laden in the middle of an astonished UN, and a heroic speech via the newly-restored Fox News Network, informing the world that America’s back, and we’re not taking no shit from no one. And oh yeah, Chelsea Clinton decides she’s a conservative after all and then goes down on Hannity, Liddy and North simultaneously in the special “All Adult” issue.

Liberality for All: The Aftermath

As a publishing entity, ACC Studios lasted about ten months. As noted in the first part of this series, Mackey was largely ignored by the mainstream comic industry publications, a fact that he suggests, unsurprisingly, was due to liberal bias. What was more likely, as I previously suggested, is that the mainstream comics journals generally didn’t pay much attention to indie books, and certainly didn’t want to waste ink on them until they’d proved themselves in terms of sales. Outlets like CNN, The Guaridan, Fox News and their ilk didn’t care that Liberality for All hadn’t actually published a single issue when they interviewed Mackey — they just wanted to chum the water with some controversy, and attract a few sharks.

In this interview, Mackey comes across as a reasonably likable geek, and given his passion for the subject it’s kind of hard not to hope he succeeds with his li’l conservative comic book. However, toward the end of the interview he makes the following statement:

Yet there are aspects of the story that liberal readers should love: there is no war… ever! Michael Moore is the Vice President. The “Coulter Laws” have made conservative talk radios and other such conservative “hate speech” virtually illegal. America clears all international decisions through the United Nations. And last but not least, George W. Bush is not even a blip on the radar. Liberals should love this book, shouldn’t they?

Not to flog a dead horse, but it looks as if Mackey doesn’t really know shit from shinola when it comes to liberal political thought. He genuinely believes that liberals want Anne Coulter censored and that the United States be transformed into a simpering UN client-state. This, he thinks, is what liberals “love,” but all it shows is how little he really understands about liberalism, and it’s very difficult if not impossible to truly satirize something you don’t understand.

obama-birth-certificate-sorry-busy-killing-osamaIssue Three shipped in July of 2006, but the promised fourth issue (listed as available for pre-order) never materialized. For ten glorious months, from October 2005 to July 2006, ACC Studios was flying high, and Mike Mackey was feted by the objects of his worship, interviewed by the hated liberal mainstream media (here’s an interview with him in which he mistakenly believes that The Guardian is a conservative paper, triggering loud guffaws from everyone who has actually read the damned thing), talked about throughout the blogosphere, and even promoted by his idol Cyber-Sean himself, who I’m sure told him he was a great American.  Sadly, Mackey never got to meet Sexy G, who probably had an appointment at the steam room or something.

A few websites reviewed the book, with the response ranging from reasonably positive to negative to overtly hostile (more the latter than the former, I’m afraid). Even the beloved conservative journal The National Review refused to take the book seriously, calling it “a carnival of colorful absurdity” and noting that it did nothing but conform to most liberals’ stereotypes of extreme right-wingers. It all ended abruptly without so much as a whimper. Issue Four languishes in limbo and we’ll never find out whether Reagan McGee and G. Gordon actually managed to rescue Freedom the Eagle.

It didn’t take long for the marketplace to chew ACC Studios up and spit it out, just like they treat most other independent publishers. All the controversy and Sean Hannity plugs in the world couldn’t change the fact that Liberality for All was an amateurish and inept conservative screed thinly disguised as an action comic book. LfA ended up suffering the worst fate imaginable for a comic book — it was utterly and totally forgotten by everyone. Except me, of course, since being a liberal I love inflicting pain on the innocent and those who can’t fight back. ACC’s web page still exists, a mute and tragic testament to its creator’s unfulfilled dreams. LfA’s wikipedia page was deleted on March 17, 2012

By the way, I just found this blog, which has a brief overview of LfA, and (wonder of wonders) says a lot of the same things I just said (for example, he was just as confused about Ralph Nader’s appearance in Issue One as I was), though in a much more succinct and non-rambling manner. The author even goes so far as to suggest that Mike Mackey has a man-crush on Sean Hannity, rather than Sexy G, who clearly deserves it more. Interesting how two entirely different readers of the same comic can come to such similar conclusions, eh?

It may seem like an odd thing for me to say, but Liberality for All might have been a good book in the hands of a Grant Morrison or an Alan Moore. Despite my enjoyment of books like Watchment and V for Vendetta, I’ve always considered them to contain somewhat conservative messages buried deep down under all the action and good writing. My reading also suggests that books like The Authority, which I have not read, also present fairly conservative values in an entertaining fashion.

Every political philosophy needs its ass kicked every now and then — every mode of thought needs to be questioned, dissected and criticized. As I noted in a previous entry, I think I could write a pretty good story about liberal politics gone wrong, and I dare say it would be less blunt and ham-handed than the work of Mike Mackey. But his clumsy treatment of the subject in Liberality for All makes the works of Alan Drury and Ayn Rand seem downright Shakespearean. Where a scalpel is called for, he uses an anvil, and where a light touch is required, he deploys a nailgun and pigskin.

Liberality for All is a product of anger and fear, not reasoned discourse or careful thought. It’s a document written by a man who genuinely believes that the blue-berets are at his door, that the black helicopters are on their way, and that only the heroic intercession of aging, overweight blatherskites who work for an Australian billionaire’s cable news channel can possibly save us.

Reality caught up with Mackey and LfA, for in November of 2006 the Republicans in congress were taken to the cleaners by a voting public long weary of a fruitless War on Terror. These same voters rejected the hated and feared Hillary Clinton in favor of the even more terrifying Barack Hussein Obama and a Democratic supermajority in congress. And after this conservative nightmare scenario — so close to what Mackey postulated — occurred, what happened? There were no moves to transfer the military to the UN, no attempts to silence conservative critics, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan continued.

The Clyde Caldwell illustration that inspired "Liberality for All." No. Really. I couldn't make this up.

The Clyde Caldwell illustration that inspired “Liberality for All.” No. Really. I couldn’t make this up.

The arch-criminal bin Laden was finally brought to justice, by the administration of a simpering, socialistic liberal, but conservatives proved singularly unwilling to give credit to a Democratic president. No, the Freedom Tower hasn’t been renamed. Bin Laden isn’t bringing a suitcase nuke to New York. The last American eagle isn’t being fed soy-rats by PETA. Alan Colmes isn’t running Fox News. The “liberals” (who aren’t really liberals at all… I hate to disappoint you) control both the Senate and the White House, and the American voters have had the lack of good taste to keep them there through two national election cycles. The right-wingers are still bemoaning moves for gun control and national health care, but freedom seems surprisingly intact, and our streets seem to be relatively free of UN troops. Liberality for All is a bizarre artifact of a very bizarre era, one which I’m only too happy to leave behind.

In the end the same free market capitalism that Mike Mackey embraced is what doomed Liberality for All, and neither he nor future legend Donny Lin have shown their faces since. It’s kind of a shame, really… I was really looking forward to the nude centerfold of G. Gordon Liddy.

thestupiditburnsYears ago, when the Iraq war was raging, I had a discussion with a gentleman regarding the anti-war protests that were taking place in Portland. While he felt that they were a very positive thing, I was less convinced. To my mind, the protests had shut down traffic and annoyed people, but at the same time had utterly failed to change anyone’s mind about the war. In fact I felt that a commuter, stuck on a bridge and late for work wasn’t terribly likely to sympathize with the protesters — in my view he was far more likely to be pissed off and have a negative view of their message.

That isn’t the point of protests, my friend replied. Political protest isn’t intended to educate or change anyone’s minds. It exists so the protesters can vent their anger, and to piss off the opposition.

So you’re saying, I replied, that political protest is just another form of jacking off?

While I’m sure that there is something to the man’s argument, I think that it’s not an especially intelligent or convincing one. The types who just get together so they can scream and wave signs aren’t really helping. They’re just preaching to the choir and firing up themselves — check out pictures of the Tea Party rallies from three years ago if you have any doubts. I think that real protest — effective protest — should exist to educate and enlighten, as well as to enrage. I thought that the Occupy protesters did a pretty good job of that, even though they were infuriatingly disorganized, and managed to flush all of their enthusiasm down the drain by not building on it, or doing anything besides protest.

Early concept art. I really can't get over the fact that this is what Mackey and Lin think Hannity actually looks like (see inset).

Early concept art. I really can’t get over the fact that this is what Mackey and Lin think Hannity actually looks like (see inset).

I mention this only because that’s what I think Liberality for All represented — an elaborate four-color process neocon masturbatory fantasy, intended only to highlight how pissed off its author was, and (supposedly) to fire up the outrage of other neocons, whose enthusiasm might be lagging a bit, given how inadequate their simplistic world-view was proving.

Author Mike Mackey’s response to another fuckin’ liberal critic in the letters column pretty much points this up. I’ll deal with the letters in more detail later, but suffice to say Mackey seems downright delighted that liberals find his book to be funny. It seems to me that a good work of satire should at best cause those whom its aimed at to question their own views, rather than keeping them entertained and amused, but this subtlety seems lost on our intrepid author. Were I to write a dystopian tale in which the tenets of liberalism and progressive thought were perverted and turned into vehicles of repression (and believe me, I could write one — unlike Mr. Mackey I at least have sufficient perspective to see how my own political beliefs can go wrong, and how those of opposing views might actually be right once in a while), I’d probably be kind of unhappy if liberals found it amusing. Not so Mr. Mackey. He seems bound and determined to keep the hilarity flowing, and in Issue Two, he does just that.

Liberality for All: Issue Two

As we learned in Issue One, the world of LfA has gone to shit, and the blame can be laid squarely on the slumped, underdeveloped shoulders of the political left — the libs and bleeding hearts who thought that the US brought 9/11 on itself, and whose answer to the entire crisis was to go whining to the U.N. Now of course, the liberal pigeons have come home to roost — America is a client-state to the internationalists at the United Nations, our military has been “absorbed” and forced to wear those faggy French blue berets, our guns have been taken away, our freedom of speech and the press destroyed by the treachery of Al Gore and Hillary Clinton, and worst of all, the collective conscience of the nation — right-wing talk show hosts — have been silenced by Islamic hit squads. It reads like Alan Drury’s Come Nineveh, Come Tyre! only with Muslims instead of Communists.

Another pinup featuring Mackey and Lin's favorite hunk, G. Gordon Liddy, or as they'd like us to call him, Sexy G.

Another pinup featuring Mackey and Lin’s favorite hunk, G. Gordon Liddy, or as they’d like us to call him, Sexy G.

Unfortunately for us, Issue Two largely fumbles the ball, dropping the exciting “Usama’s-gonna-blow-up-New-York” plotline in favor of extended flashbacks, explaining how our once-proud nation became a toxic swamp of oppression run by cowardly Frenchmen and simpering libtards. To Mackey’s credit, we do get a lot more sexy glamour-shots of the manly G. Gordon Liddy being macho and kicking ass, further cementing my assertion that Mackey had a huge man-crush on the guy (and that’s fine, btw… every consenting adult in this great nation has the right to pursue love and happiness with other consenting adults in any way he/she sees fit, and if you disagree, well I guess you just hate America).

In addition, even I must admit that Donny Lin’s art has graduated from the level of a talented high schooler to that of a promising art-school undergrad. His tendency to draw weird lines all over people’s faces has been reduced, and he seems to have gotten better at digital coloring. Maybe in a couple more decades he really will be the comic artist legend that Mackey predicts he will be. Mind you, this will probably only happen if he buys up all remaining copies of Liberality for All and hides them in his parents’ basement, and that’s really not likely.

The diabolical Alan Colmes, ladies and gentlemen. Are you scared yet?

The diabolical Alan Colmes, ladies and gentlemen. Are you scared yet?

While Donny Lin’s art has graduated, I’m sorry to say that Mackey’s scripting remains as sophomoric as ever. The tale opens with our narrator continuing to blather. From the text I’ve finally been able to gather that the annoying bloviator is none other than Reagan McGee, the young man who called the Hannity show in Issue One, and was hanging out with that cute redhead with the nice ass while they defaced UN posters.

Again, the narrative captions serve as more of an annoyance than anything else. They form a complete, if somewhat rambling, discourse that carries on for the length of the entire issue, but as in Issue One, they are utterly disjointed, and since they’re spread out over numerous panels, the reader is forced to backtrack to figure out exactly what Reagan is saying. It doesn’t matter much anyway — his narration is more of a neoconservative Greek chorus than anything else, underlining action in the foreground that doesn’t require it, and self-importantly intoning things that we already know. Reagan’s a decent enough young man, mind you, but like most early 20-somethings, he doesn’t realize when he’s starting to sound like a pretentious douchebag.

Here's what he really looks like, btw. For once, Lin actually figured out how to draw someone recognizably.

Here’s what he really looks like, btw. For once, Lin actually figured out how to draw someone recognizably. He DOES have a kind of evil grin, doesn’t he?

Speaking of pretentious douchebags, Issue Two unsurprisingly opens with a couple watching the Sean Hannity show. It’s a flashback to 2006 and the horrors of the Al Gore presidency. The voices of conservative freedom have yet to be silenced, I guess, for Hannity is busy mixing it up with his arch-foe, ultralib traitor Alan Colmes.

I’m going to pause here for a moment to refresh folks’ memories on exactly who Alan Colmes is (was?), since in future issues of LfA he becomes a daemonic force of evil whose very presence causes  conservative men to become gay and boils to break out on the skin of Republicans. The esteemed Mr. Colmes was, for a few years anyway, what Fox News referred to as a “hard-hitting liberal” commentator. He was, in fact, the only “liberal” on the entire  network, and his job was to function as Sean Hannity’s human punching bag. Hannity normally talked him down, interrupted him, insulted him and made him look ineffectual. The only people who took Colmes seriously were his employers at Fox. Most liberals considered him to be something of a joke, and in 2009 Fox News finally accepted reality and fired him. If you have any doubts that Colmes was nothing but a well-paid straw man erected just for Sean Hannity to knock down, you might want to read this or this.

Knowing this, it’s surprising that Mackey chooses to demonize the poor guy, transforming him into one of the architects of innocent, heroic Sean Hannity’s downfall. At least Lin’s caricature is recognizable for once, though the upturned devil-eyebrows seem kind of over the top to me. Mackey really picks the low-hanging fruit when it comes to targets for his savage satire, doesn’t he?

Anyway, back to the great debate. As might be expected, Sean Hannity is heroically demolishing the craven Colmes’ liberal delusions.

“Vice President Clinton said unlike her predecessor, she fully supported diverting even more money from the military budget to social programs here in America,” Colmes gushes.

“Finally!” ripostes Hannity. “A Hillary Clinton promise I can believe! What an administration! Is it any wonder Vice President Lieberman resigned?”

“And what,” counters the Spock-eyebrowed Colmes, “is wrong with reducing a bloated military?”

“BLOATED?” demands Sean. “We are abandoning military bases world wide, like rats leaving a sinking ship! Over the past six years, President Gore has done nothing but gut the military and grovel before the United Nations.”

“But with our strengthened relations with the UN,” drools Colmes, “we just don’t need the military like we used to!”

Well, enough is enough “Certs is a candy mint/No, Certs is a breath mint” style argumentation for Hannity. He brings up a satellite feed direct from Seoul, South Korea, where Fox News correspondent Oliver North is on the scene, reporting live on how the libs have betrayed our brave fighting doughboys and -girls.

Donny Lin's Oliver North, and the real Oliver North, in a much more familiar setting.

Donny Lin’s Oliver North, and the real Oliver North, in a much more familiar setting.

“Kim Jong-Il’s North Korean forces are slaughtering the South Koreans by the thousands,” he desperately reports, hoping someone, somewhere will hear him and end the liberal madness. “We’re calling the invasion of this city… THE SEOUL HARVEST.”

Oliver North, for the uninitiated, was a highly decorated USMC Lieutenant Colonel, and served as deputy director for political-military affairs in Ronald Reagan’s National Security Council. During his tenure he was accused of conspiring with Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega, and of involvement in the Iran-Contra affair, in which American arms were sold to the radical Islamists in Iran, with profits used to fund the anti-communist Contra rebels in Nicaragua. He was also alleged to have been directly involved in drug smuggling activities by the Contras, which they also used to fund their military operations. North was convicted of three felonies, but the convictions were overturned on a technicality by the fancy-pants lawyers at the American Civil Liberties Union. Once more, Mike Mackey chooses another noble, morally-unambiguous hero to represent his selfless cause.

(And it’s probably pointless to keep saying this, but comic-book Ollie North looks nothing like real-life Ollie North. While this is probably kicking Donny Lin while he’s down, I’m going to keep doing it, cuz I’m a liberal and have no heart.)

“We have been informed that the promised assistance from UN troops is not coming,” Ollie breathlessly continues. “I have never seen anything like this. It’s like…”

KER-WHOOM! A North Korean shell goes off nearby, and Ollie finishes.

“…HELL!” Talking straight into the camera, he concludes, “That was too close. America should know that President Gore has betrayed the…”

Too late, Ollie! The liberal cut the feed before you can reveal the depth of Al Gore’s treachery!

G. Gordon Liddy's dream of playing Brainiac in the next Superman film was cruelly crushed that day.

G. Gordon Liddy’s dream of playing Brainiac in the next Superman film was cruelly crushed that day.

Back to Sean “Babyface” Hannity, whom Donny Lin still makes appear to be about 17 years old, introducing his next guest, Sexy G himself, the G-meister, the OG, G-Man G. Gordon Liddy, who’s in town to attend the Fight for Freedom Rally at the soon-to-be-renamed Freedom Tower that’s being built on the site of the 9/11 tragedy.

“What is the big deal?” slobbers Colmes. “It hasn’t even been finished yet, so what is wrong with renaming an unfinished building? Don’t you believe in global unity?”

Sexy G sneers. “You mean like the unity between President Gore’s nose to (sic) that of the collective rear of the UN?”

Not only does Sexy G engage in incredibly convoluted metaphor, he can’t even state them grammatically.

And so we cut away from all the Colmes-bashing to the fireman from issue one and his son, little Reagan, our narrator. Dad you see, is in the national guard and is being deployed to the fiasco in Korea (if Al Gore is stabbing our troops in the back, why are we deploying fresh forces? No, never mind…).

Hey kid... Yer mom's hot. Since your dad's gonna be killed in Korea, do you think I could get her phone number?

Hey kid… Yer mom’s hot. Since your dad’s gonna be killed in Korea, do you think I could get her phone number?

Mom worries that dad’s going to lose his fireman’s wages, but dad’s adamant. “Honey,” he says, “I’ll be fine. And it’s my duty to go.”

“I know,” she replies, wiping away a patriotic tear, “but I want a bright future for Reagan… College and all that.”

Not to fear, dad replies. “He’ll have a bright future… As long as he has two parents that love him.”

Now if you’ve seen enough action movies, you know what’s coming next. Sean and Sexy-G are going to be signing books tomorrow, so mom suggests that she and little Reagan go downtown to get daddy that book he wanted.

“So he can take it to Korea wit him!” cries little Reagan. Damn he’s happy. Only the most savage, cruel-hearted monster would want to take so much happiness away. Someone like a…

Liberal.

I think little Reagan's teacher is a liberal lesbo or something... I mean, look at those sensible shoes.

I think little Reagan’s teacher is a liberal lesbo or something… I mean, look at those sensible shoes.

Next day, cute li’l Reagan is in school, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance (I’ll give you three guesses how that turns out).

Meanwhile, his droning narration begins in earnest.

“There is nothing more patriotic than freedom of speech” he tells us. “As long as you don’t say the wrong thing.”

Oh, you mean like US Out of Iraq or Hillary for President? I really can’t help making statements like that, since Mackey’s writing has a gigantic “KICK ME” sign taped to its back.

Okay, okay, let’s get it over with. Li’l Reagan says “Under God,” the teacher has a shit-fit and makes him stare at the flagpole until he learns his lesson. And while he does, some hyper-patriotic gradeschoolers haul down the UN flag that’s flying traitorously alongside Old Glory, then deface it and put it back.

Teacher returns. “Have you learned your lesson yet?” “Yes,” Reagan replies, and when the teacher looks out the window at the defaced UN flag she exclaims (altogether now), “OH, MY GOD!”

(That’s ironic, see? She objected to Reagan saying “Under God,” but when she saw the flag, she said, “Oh, my God,” so it’s funny and ironic. Another anvil falls on the reader’s head.)

“I am sick of hearing how the hyper-sensitive feel,” adult Reagan continues. “Where in the Bill of Rights does it say you have the right ‘not’ to be offended?”

Mom picks up li’l Reagan and he asks, “Mommy, what is a patriot?” (Honest to God, when I read the kid’s dialog, I imagine him talking with an adorable li’l lisp, as in “Mommy, what’s a patwiot?”)

Evidently Sean Hannity couldn't make it to the signing, so he had Tom Cruise fill in for him. Unfortunately Tom kept signing the books "best wishes from Galactic Emperor Xenu."

Sean Hannity couldn’t make it to the signing, so he had Tom Cruise fill in for him. Unfortunately Tom kept signing the books “best wishes from Galactic Emperor Xenu.”

“Well,” she replies, “someone who loves, supports and defends his country, I suppose. BUT ONLY IF IT’S RUN BY CONSERVATIVES! IF IT’S RUN BY LIBERAL DEMOCRATS, THEN YOU’RE A PATRIOT IF YOU HATE AND DESPISE YOUR GOVERNMENT, CLAIM IT ISN’T REALLY YOUR GOVERNMENT AT ALL, CALL EVERYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU A TRAITOR, INSULT YOUR ELECTED LEADERS AND BREAK THE LAW!”

Sorry, that’s not really in there… You see, I’m using irony, just like Mike Mackey.

Ahem… So the parade of predictability continues. “Like Daddy?” asks our lovable little conserva-tot.

“Yes,” mom replies, “I would say your daddy is definitely a patriot.”

This pleases li’l Reagan. “I’m going to be a patriot when I grow up,” he declares.

So mom and Reagan troop down to the bookstore to get Hannity’s latest screed signed. They missed Sexy G, but it’s okay. Reagan walks up to Sean and declares, “My daddy is a patriot!”

“Reagan,” says Sean, blinking away America-loving tears, “you should be proud of your father. He’s a great American!”

At least the wife and child of Noor, the not-evil Muslim, got to meet Tom Cruise before they died.

At least the wife and child of Noor, the not-evil Muslim, got to meet Tom Cruise before they died.

Sean’s next customer is a vaguely south-Asian looking guy named Noor Ilham and his headscarf-wearing wife. Knowing that not all Muslims are terrorists and that unlike the scourge of liberalism, Islam can be twisted to evil purposes by evil, unscrupulous men, Sean happily signs. Noor runs out to his car to get another book to sign, and Sean learns from Noor’s wife that he is a big fan and a bio-mechanical engineer, working on nanotech and bionic enhancements.

Wow, Sean exclaims, just like Oscar Goldman from The Six Million Dollar Man! You know… I think this might be plot material.

Well, his wonder is short-lived, for elsewhere in the building a filthy bearded terrorist is setting off a suicide vest while (of course) muttering “Allahu akbar!”

Somehow Super-Sean senses that this is happening and tries to throw himself onto Noor’s wife in a desperate effort to save her and their innocent little baby, but he is too late. The bookstore goes up like Mitt Romney’s election-night victory fireworks would have had he actually won the election, killing or maiming everyone and leaving poor Noor outside, with only his battered copy of Injustice and Liberality for All  to comfort him.

Knowing that without Sean Hannity to defend it, freedom itself will wither and die, al Qaeda strikes!

Knowing that without Sean Hannity to defend it, freedom itself will wither and die, al Qaeda strikes!

Before I continue, I have to say that for once I notice that Mackey has dialed back the silliness, for a moment at least. Noor is of course Oscar, the nanotech genius who gives super-Sean his magic arm and makes Sexy-G an immortal sexy beast with his amazing nanotechnology. As his wife is wearing a headscarf, I presume Noor is supposed to be of the Muslim faith, which is a level of subtlety that I never expected from the good Mr. Mackey. Amid a rising tide of clumsy writing and on-the-nose symbolism he’s thrown in a character with a tiny bit of nuance, and for an instant I began to wonder whether LfA wasn’t going to become a little less of an angry polemic.

Nah, no such luck. In the next scene we’re back to our usual hackyened fare as Sexy G is riding in a cab to the airport, listening (surprise!) to Rush Limbaugh. The Fat One is busy complaining about those damned libs who are trying to suppress Anne Coulter’s new book as “hate speech.”

“They will not rest,” he declares, “until they’ve silenced us all… Kkkkkk…. Krrrzzzz…”

CLANG! After a brief respite in the form of a realistic and interesting supporting character, the anvils are back, and they fall thick and fast from here on.

Filthy Muslim terrorists don't stand a chance against the sheer manliness of Sexy-G's massive forehead.

Filthy Muslim terrorists don’t stand a chance against the sheer manliness of Sexy-G’s massive forehead.

Sexy G gets out at his destination only to be jumped by a couple of filthy Arabs, who pull scimitars (yes, scimitars) from their louse-infested beards and attack, not knowing that they are doomed, for they face an American with a firearm.

Sexy G reaches into his coat. “Didn’t you ever hear the joke about the Islamofascist that (sic) brought a sword to a gun fight?”

(Hey, hold your horses, G-man… It’s not a gun! It’s a pistol or a weapon. And it should be treated with respect, even if it’s made by Smith and Wesson.)

He takes out the first assailant by shooting behind himself without aiming (what a hunka man!), then quips “Here’s the punchline” as he kneecaps the second.

“You two just cost me four bullets, at twenty-five cents each,” he growls. “I want my dollar back!”

Sensual and lithe as a muscular bald-headed panther he may be, but Sexy G needs to work on his wisecracks a little.

I'll go torture terrorists in a few minutes. Right now, me and Harley would like some sweet alone time...

I’ll go torture terrorists in a few minutes. Right now, me and Harley would like some sweet alone time…

Honestly, once more I’m pretty unclear about what happens next. G. Gordon pulls a shipping invoice from the wounded assassin, then we cut to the interior of a warehouse where a greasy guy in an apron is delivering a couple of barrels. Then G walks over to a crate that’s marked “Harley Davidson.”

He opens the crate, discovering a mint condition 1930 Harley that’s intended to be shipped to Saudi Arabia.

“I don’t think so,” Sexy G purrs, stroking the Harley like a lover.

“Trying to kill me,” he snarls, opening the trunk of his car and pulling out the wounded assassin, “that I might forgive. But condemning a Harley-Davidson to life in a desert. I DON’T THINK I CAN TOLERATE THAT!”

“Do you know what sand does to an antique engine? Sand sticks to oil,” he declares, throwing his prisoner to the ground and brandishing a bucket full of crimson liquid, “like pig’s blood sticks to skin!”

“NO! NOOOO!” cries the craven terrorist. “Allah will not…”

“Let you into heaven?” Sexy G holds up a bloody pig skin. “That’s right. Now you’ll tell me exactly what I want to know. Or I’ll duct tape these pig skins around you!”

After that, the cowardly terrorist’s resolve collapses like Alan Colmes’ arguments and he admits that bin Laden sent him to kill the famous and dangerous Sexy G, and others would die at the same time.

Great Scott! thinks Sexy G. That means that Rush and Anne might be… NO!

He turns on the radio only to hear the devastating news that freedom has been destroyed.

Liberality for All takes a hard turn into "Saw" territory.

Liberality for All takes a hard turn into “Saw” territory.

“…Among them Rush Limbaugh, who famously noted he had talent on loan from God, has settled his debt with the almighty today, found with half his brain behind his back. Others confirmed dead include Bill O’Reilly and Laura Ingraham, all killed in what seems to be a string of both attempted and successful assassinations on conservatives nationwide…”

This gets Sexy G’s patriotic dander up, believe you me. “I was only bluffing when I said I would duct tape pig skins to you,” he says, his voice a low throb of rage as he produces a pneumatic nailgun, “you see, I DON’T HAVE ANY DUCT TAPE!”

(Okay, I can dig the whole “nanites make GGL immortal” schtick — it’s a comic book, after all. But this portion of the comic is set in 2006. That a 76 year old Liddy can kick ass on two al Qaeda terrorists while looking all hot and buff and sexy goes a long way toward confirming my suspicion about Mike Mackey’s secret obsession with the guy.)

And so we leave our patriotic defender of liberty, busily torturing his captive to death with a nailgun in the great tradition of American warriors, and return to the tragedy at A to Z Books. Fox News reporter Kiran Chetry is bringing details of the atrocity live (of course it’s Fox — the other networks only report on dumb stuff like school massacres and mall shootings, SO THEY CAN TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS!), and like every good Fox reporter, shoves her microphone into the face of a grieving victim. It’s Noor, of course, who tells us that he’s lost both wife and child in the explosion.

Meanwhile, Reagan’s narration babbles on, to the point where I’ve pretty much stopped paying attention. “The loss of liberty leaves a void in the soul, which (sic) yearns for fulfillment. It’s the nature of those who have been robbed of such a precious gift to never stop searching for it.”

Sean Hannity zaps terrorism , just like he zaps liberals every week on his Fox News(TM) show!

Sean Hannity zaps terrorism, just like he zaps liberals every week on his Fox News(TM) show!

In a jarring shift back to the present day of 2021, Super-Sean comforts the grieving Noor. Noor dries his tears and mans right up, and gives Sean a big hand — a cybernetic hand, that is! He’s designed a brand new arm “using a new software code from my contact at the Department of Peace.”

(Of course, if the word “peace” is associated with anything in this series, it’s the traitorous, limp-wristed, daisy-eating libtards who are so naive as to think that there’s any alternative to constant warfare and violence. Silly people.)

“It’s tougher,” Noor tells Sean, “than the bionic liver I designed for Teddy. Just try not to be as hard on it.”

CLANG!

Evil just OOZES from Alan Colmes every disgusting liberal pore, doesn't it?

Evil just OOZES from Alan Colmes every disgusting liberal pore, doesn’t it?

Elsewhere in the secret Conserva-cave, Sexy G is cradling his big sword and watching Fox — Oops, sorry “Liberty International Broadcasting” (Get it? The initials are “L.I.B.” like LIBERAL, because the media is RUN BY LIBERALS! Hence, the initials L.I.B., because that’s short for “LIBERAL”!) — where Alan Colmes downright daemonic visage dominates the airwaves.

I guess Alan Colmes got a shot of some kind of super-nanite serum too, because in Mackey’s world he’s an evil mastermind who pals around with terrorists. He’s hosting live coverage of a visit to the White House by your friend and mine, the greatest and most generous, peace-loving guy in the world, his buddy Ambassador Usama bin Laden!

Fun-loving Usama is introduced by the snail-eating UN General Secretary to the rather hot President Chelsea and her cringing, bowing and scraping fat tub of subhuman lard vice president, Michael Moore, who drools “Sir, it continues to be an honor advancing your efforts.”

Soon after taking office as vice president, liberal filmmaker Michael Moore announced that he was actually a moleman.

Soon after taking office as vice president, liberal filmmaker Michael Moore announced that he was actually a moleman.

“And this,” Chelsea says, indicating a baby held by a black nanny, “is my son, William Jefferson.”

(Who’s his father? I’m sure we’ll find out in a future issue and it will be another subtle and sophisticated jab at a liberal icon.)

“He stays here while you rule this nation?” Usama asks, for no other reason than to give Mackey another straight line.

“Oh, little Willie just loves to play in the Oval Office,” gibbers the quivering, sweat-covered vice president. “He always has.”

CLANG.

(It’s a joke, see? President Bill Clinton had SEX in the White House. And “Willie” is slang for “PENIS.” So when Michael Moore says that “Little Willie just loves to play in the Oval Office,” he’s actually referring to Bill Clinton having SEX IN THE WHITE HOUSE! It’s a JOKE! Get it????)

Oh, NO HE DIDN'T!

Oh, NO HE DIDN’T!

Usama then scares the hell out of the baby and admires the Oval Office. He looks greedily toward the president’s chair.

“The fates of many nations were decided from this very spot. May I have the pleasure?” he says, moving to sit down in it.

Needless to say, the cringing Secretary General and the crawling, sycophantic Moore say “yes,” even though President Chelsea says it’s “inappropriate.”

America's chair of freedom is crushed by the ass of tyranny.

America’s chair of freedom is crushed by the ass of tyranny.

“How comfortable it is!” declares the filthy killer of thousands as he leans back in the most sacred chair in freedom-loving America. “I must admit I always wanted to do this.”

Back at underwater Conserva-lair One, our heroes are of course outraged.

“Ollie,” Sean says, slapping one of his companions on the back, “for once, be glad you’re blind!”

(Yeah, yeah, it’s Oliver North. The crowd goes wild.)

Our orgy of conservative outrage is interrupted by the appearance of a hot blonde in a halter top (no, not the Liberty Belle from Issue One, dammit, but she does bear some resemblance to what a conservative might think Anne Coulter looks like), who tells Ollie that her mission is accomplished (where have we heard that before, I wonder?)

She draws back the cover on a giant computer console, and Ollie tells his friends that it is “The S.D.I. Mobile Command Center, and with it, the return of the Strategic Defense Initiative!”

Holy shit, those terrorists are in trouble now!  Issue Two ends on this high note, and we’re told to wait for Issue Three:

This can't be Anne Coulter... Her adam's apple is missing.

This can’t be Anne Coulter… Her adam’s apple is missing.

“As Ambassador bin Laden’s ‘apology’ approaches, President Chelsea Clinton begins to question America’s ties with the United Nations. G. Gordon Liddy’s [gorgeous, sexy] body undergoes repairs that explain both his and Hannity’s origins. Although blind, Oliver North begins to set his sights on freedom as Reagan McGee remembers a day he wishes he could forget.”

We end with another letters column. The lead-off is from some hipster who says he read LfA cover-to-cover in the comic shop and didn’t pay for it, and Mackey justifiably condemns the creep as an Anti-American pinko fag.

The next letter is from a conservative essentially telling the libs that they can dish it out but can’t take it, since they’ve been so mean and unfair to poor President Bush and all those patriotic Republicans, it’s only just that LfA be just as distorted and stupid.

Just another American, showing his patriotism in the spirit of G. Gordon Liddy.

Just another American, showing his patriotism in the spirit of G. Gordon Liddy.

“The America portrayed in the comic,” he concludes, “could easily become reality if the far left gained control. I’m still waiting for a lib to prove me wrong, hasn’t (sic) come up yet.”

When he says “far left” of course, he means moderate Democrats, since at this point Hannity and his friends considered Hillary Clinton to be a dangerous, unhinged extremist ultraliberal.

Another letter complains about the whole “Coulter Laws” thing, assuming (correctly) that Mackey considers the Fairness Doctrine to be the first of these laws. Mackey replies, “Congrats to Dan, our first liberal reader to view the ‘Coulter Laws’ as ‘fairness.’ No doubt interrupting one of Anne Coulter’s college speeches is what you consider ‘equal time’?”

Mackey shows a certain native cleverness here, using a classic “straw man” attack. Since other people whom you agree with have done something unethical (interrupting Anne Coulter’s speech at a university, which happened a couple of times), therefore you must also believe that it’s okay. Therefore, you are a foe of free speech and support censorship.

Of course he doesn’t have any clue as to whether Dan supported interfering with Anne Coulter’s free speech, but since he’s brought it up he walks away claiming victory.

See above.

See above.

As for the Fairness Doctrine, it was government policy from 1949 to 1987, and required holders of broadcast licenses to both present controversial issues of public importance and to do so in a manner that was, in the Commission’s view, honest, equitable and balanced. By no definition would the Fairness Doctrine have “censored” Anne Coulter — in fact, it required that views like hers be presented, but only if done so in a “fair and balanced” manner (sound familiar?).

In 2005, when LfA was being published, there was a move in congress to restore enforcement of the Fairness Doctrine, and needless to say, it caused conservatives to have kittens. The move went nowhere, and the Fairness Doctrine is today something of a dinosaur, with the Obama administration instead advocating for opening the airwaves to more broadcasters with as many diverse viewpoints as possible.

Whether the Fairness Doctrine was a good idea or not is up to the individual. Rather than taking Mike Mackey’s word for it, free speech and ethics expert that he is, read about it here and decide for yourself. The fact is that it was in place in this country for nearly 40 years and did not result in a liberal dictatorship, nor did it cause — directly or indirectly — the confiscation of firearms or a takeover by the United Nations.

Mackey gets a couple more letters telling him how fucking hilarious he is, to which he replies, “One thing is certain: Conservatives and Liberals seem to live in such different worlds that praise from the icons of one side is viewed as pathetically amusing by the other. So I will leave it to each reader to answer the question: ‘Liberality For All’: Serious or Satire, Parody or Prophecy?”

See above.

Ditto.

(See my suggestion above that LfA is just a huge conservative wank-fest… If Mackey were attempting to educate or change minds, I might feel a tad more respect for him, but since he’s pretty much admitted that LfA is a right-wing stroke-book, I’m not terribly inclined to take him seriously.)

Finally we end with a conservative fan, who pretty much confirms my opinion of Mackey’s serious readers by saying, “Finally, a voice of reason has decided to create a comic worth collecting. Surely, this comic is going to raise the wrath of the uninformed, hate-their-own-country, pacifistic, boot-licking left. I must say though, it truly terrifies me that this work of fiction could be a work of fact if the vocal minority were allowed to have their way.”

I give up… This really isn’t a satire, is it? This is what certain hard-right demagogues thought would really have happened had Al Gore been elected president. It’s alternate history written by the John Birch Society. It’s a clarion call to keep the Democrats out of the White House, and a dire prediction of what will transpire should another lib win the presidency.

Good thing no liberal has been in the White House since George W, huh? I mean, if one of those bleeding hearts actually won the election through some weird fluke, we’d be overrun by terrorists in no time… The UN black helicopters would be swooping down to take our guns while our schools would be turned into socialist indoctrination centers, where our precious little angels would be transformed into propaganda-spouting junior revolutionaries… I mean, damn! Thank God no damn liberal has managed to…

Oh, wait.

Sorry, never mind.

Do you think that Donny Lin used a cartoon circus strongman as his model for G. Gordon Liddy? I'm half-convinced myself.

Do you think that Donny Lin used a cartoon circus strongman as his model for G. Gordon Liddy? I’m half-convinced myself.

Issue Two concludes with more art, including some nice sketches of our heroes. Oliver North (listed as “Oliver Hero”) is extending his arm, allowing an American eagle (what else?) with an approximately 10-foot wingspan to land on it, while Sexy G is at his sexiest, casting a smoldering glance of to one side, resplendent in sensual black leather, a rigid steel saber clutched firmly in one massive forepaw.

If nothing else, Liberality for All did its best to turn an aging felon like G. Gordon Liddy into a sex symbol. Too bad it only ran three issues.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of this exciting report in my next exciting post!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

morans

America… FUCK YEAH!!!

Anyone who has read this blog (both of you) has probably noticed that I spend a lot of time waxing nostalgic about the 1980s. I admit it — I kind of miss the era, especially since I was a lot younger and my knees didn’t make so much noise. But there are other eras that I can write about, and I probably should so I don’t seem like too much of an old fogey.

In the early ’00s, for example, it was a great time to be a neocon. The years of 2003-2006 were certainly days that future conservatives will look back on through a mist of tender nostalgia. We were winning the War on Terror. The Islamists were on the run, and freedom was on the march, in Iraq, Afghanistan and — hell – everywhere! Sure, the Iraq War was dragging on a little longer than we’d have liked and sure, we never found any of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction (to the neocon’s credit, however, we did find a factory that made helium for balloons), and sure, that public park in Baghdad with a statue of George W. Bush hadn’t yet materialized, but, hey! We’re America, and that means winning. In those days, being a neocon was sophisticated, glamorous, even sexy. Fox News was riding high, Sean Hannity was the man of the hour, and there were hit songs about the war, tellin’ all them libruls to stick a sock in it, we real American’s gonna git ‘er done. A few bold conservatives even suggested that the Democratic party could be completely eliminated, and replaced by a far more sensible one-party system.

Of course, woe unto you if you had the temerity to be against the war. After all, opposing the legitimately-elected government of the United States and its undisputed leader was tantamount to treason. Only an America-hating, terrorist-loving libtard who wanted al Quaeda to win could possibly be against us bringing American-style democracy to the freedom-starved middle-east. Thank God that that bastard Al Gore wasn’t elected despite winning the popular vote… He’d have been over there sucking bin Laden’s dick while singing Kumbaya. 

And so it was that, in the tumultuous year of 2006, a small independent comic book company located in Lexington, KY and called ACC Studios launched the roughest, toughest, most kickass manly neoconservative graphic series ever, Liberality for All. My own words cannot possibly do justice to this series so here, in its creator’s words, is a synopsis of the planned eight-issue miniseries. I have left it in its original, charmingly clumsy form, with the minor exception of throwing in that annoying (sic), signifying lack of grammatical skill on the part of its original author.

America’s future has become an Orwellian nightmare of ultra-liberalism. Beginning with the Gore Presidency, the government has become increasingly dominated by liberal extremists.

In 2004, Muslim terrorists stopped viewing the weakened American government as a threat; instead they set their sights on their true enemies, vocal American conservatives. On one dark day, in 2006, many conservative voices were forever silenced by terrorist assassins. Those which (sic) survived joined forces and formed a powerful covert conservative organization called “The Freedom of Information League”, aka F.O.I.L.

The efforts of F.O.I.L. threaten both the liberal extremist power structure and the U.N.’s grip on America, (sic) the U.N. calls F.O.I.L. the most dangerous group in the world. It seems the once theorized Vast Right Wing Conspiracy has now become a reality.

The F.O.I.L. Organization is forced underground by the “Coulter Laws” of 2007; these hate speech legislations (sic) have made right-wing talk shows, and conservative-slanted media, illegal. Our weakened government has willingly handed the reins of our once great country to the corrupt United Nations. The Department of Political-Correctness is required to assist U.N. monitors to properly edit all print and broadcast media. Live broadcasts are a thing of the past; all transmissions are monitored by the U.N. and any ‘offensive’ material is dumped.

stophillaryexpress_128d

Here’s a picture from the ACC website. Yes, that is supposed to be Sean Hannity stopping the Hillary train. This was back when conservatives were all wetting themselves in fear of the Clintons, and an Obama presidency wasn’t even a gleam in anyone’s eye.

Rupert Murdoch’s decision to defy the “Coulter Laws” hate speech legislations (sic), has bankrupted News Corporation. George Soros has bought all of News Corps assets and changed its name to Liberty International Broadcasting. LIB’s networks have flourished and circle the globe with a series of satellites beaming liberal & U.N. propaganda worldwide.

The New York City faction of F.O.I.L. is lead (sic) by Sean Hannity, G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North, each uniquely endowed with special abilities devised by a bio mechanical engineer affectionately nicknamed “Oscar”. F.O.I.L. is soon to be joined by a young man named Reagan McGee.

Reagan was born on September 11th, 2001. He is the son of a NYC firefighter whose life was spared by attending his son’s birth. Reagan has grown to manhood in an ultra-liberal educational system: being told, not asked, what to think. With personal determination, which alienates him from his contemporaries, he has chosen the path less traveled…the path to the Right.

Two decades of negotiation with the U.N., and America’s administration of 2021 (President Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore), has (sic) culminated in a truce with fundamentalist Islamic terrorists, or so America is told. The honorable ambassador from Afghanistan has come to NYC to address the U.N., (sic) his name is Usama Bin Laden. Ambassador Bin Laden has announced that he plans a public apology for the “misunderstanding” of the events of 9/11. This apology will occur exactly 20 years to the minute the first plane hit the WTC; this will be on the observation deck at the newly renamed “Unity Tower” built on the hallowed grounds where the WTC once stood.

Tomorrow is September 11, 2021, the twentieth anniversary of the horror of 9/11, or as it has become more politically correct to say “the unfortunate events resulting from the uprising of middle-eastern fundamentalist Islam”. Just days before his arrival in NYC, Bin Laden made a brief visit to Iraq, now a nuclear power that is run by the vicious Uday Hussein. In Iraq, Bin Laden received a tactical nuke that is now contained in his private diplomatic briefcase. Bin Laden plans far more than an apology at the Unity Tower.

F.O.I.L. has become aware of Bin Laden’s plot to destroy NYC and has devised a plan to stop him while simultaneously gaining permanent control of LIB’s satellite network. Unfortunately, U.N. Forces have discovered the secret location of the F.O.I.L. Lair. It is a race against the clock to save NYC from a nuclear holocaust and the world from liberal domination. Only with F.O.I.L.’s help, can “Liberality For All” once again become “Liberty For All!”

No, I’m not making this up. I mentioned this comic a few months ago and I think posted a few covers, but the very existence of such a book has really fascinated me, and I’ve finally managed to get my hands on all three existing issues (the existence of issue four, listed as “NOW ON SALE” at ACC’s website remains questionable; if anyone has it, please let me know). So sit back and enjoy the next few entries, folks. We’re going to have some fun at ACC comics’ expense.

I guess the first thing I (and in fact many readers) wondered was whether it was serious or not. There have been some fake right-wing comics published in the past, like this one, for example (which was actually pretty bad), and after a quick glance through Liberality for All I was left with the impression that it was a cunning liberal spoof on what kind of comic book a paranoic right-wing nutjob might write. If so, it’s pretty brilliant, since I laughed my ass off from cover to cover.

britlovezi6

Here’s an image I found when I did a GIS for “Mike Mackey.” I don’t think this is actually a picture of him, but who knows?

Alas, that does not appear to be the case. Much (if not most) of the time, extremist politics strays into the realm of self-parody. It’s been said that most fanatical creationist propaganda can’t be distinguished from satire, for example. And I’m not being partisan, either; it doesn’t matter whether propaganda is liberal, conservative, communist or fascist, if it’s extremist, it has a tendency to be downright laughable. Such is the case with Liberality for All, and writer Mike Mackey has said, emphatically and repeatedly, that he means every word he says.

Here’s ACC’s website, crude and all alone, still standing like a rock against the liberal tide six years after shipping their last few issues. (Previews of the first few issues of LfA are still available there as well, in case you don’t believe me.) The front page proudly displays a picture of Sean Hannity (the real one) holding up a copy of LfA number one, and links to a series of press releases, the last one being dated July, 2006, after which no further content has been added. One wonders who is paying for keeping the site on-line, as it presently serves as nothing but a stark reminder of how unsuccessful the planned mini-series was.

So who were ACC Studios, anyway? Well, there’s Indonesian comic artist Donny Lin (Hey! What are they doing shipping our valuable American jobs overseas? Why didn’t ACC use an AMERICAN artist? Did they want the terrorists to win?), of whom ACC says the following:

Fantastic! That is the only word to describe the art of Donny Lin. He can do it all. His mastery of the sequential form is genius. At one point in the beginning of every great artist’s career, someone becomes the first to realize they are looking at the work of a future artistic legend. It’s the point in time where future publishers, if they only had a time machine, would go back to, and become the ones that were the first to work with him. Such an artist is Donny Lin. Every comic collector will one day come to know that name… Donny Lin. Expect great things from this future legend, you will get it (sic)!

Well with that kind of an introduction, I eagerly combed the Internet for more information about future artistic legend Donny Lin — who knows? Some of his early work might be available cheap on e-bay, sold by some ignorant slob who doesn’t realize what a gold mine he has. My detailed search revealed that since working on LfA, the esteemed Mr. Lin has produced… Well… Actually, no other comics at all. In fact, the handful of legitimate reviews of LfA that I could find all single out Lin’s art as being especially weak and amateurish. We’ll get to details on the art later.

(Personally I think that since Donny Lin is from Indonesia, home of al-Qaeda linked terrorist organization Jemaah Islamiya, he was actually a fundamentalist Islamic mole planted in ACC to purposely ruin LfA, but that’s only a theory… Maybe if I write it down on a chalkboard it will make more sense…)

LfA was proudly written by one Mike Mackey, who was of course the sole owner and operator of ACC Studios, and also the designer of its web page (now we know who to blame). As with the good Mr. Lin, I have been unable to find any more writing credits for Mr. Mackey since LfA’s untimely demise. My guess is that his career was ruined by the liberal hit-squads that Al Gore sent out to kill all the Fox News commentators (yes, that really is in the comic… Just wait…). I imagine today he’s somewhere in a fortified compound stocking up on 7.62mm ammo while he waits for the UN black helicopters to arrive.

I get the impression that LfA’s demagoguery arose in response to what Mackey perceived as unfair distortion of conservative beliefs by the liberal media. As in, “Distort my political views, will you, you liberal comic book writers, you? Well, I’ll just distort your views too! Nyah!” It’s not an entirely unfair accusation, though one has to cherry pick through a lot of liberal thought to see distortions that are as extreme as this sort of  thing (careful of that last link, btw… the crazy is very high and very thick and the webmaster apparently doesn’t mind that his page is about a half-mile long), which I think is far more common among conservatives than liberals. Mind you, I’m obviously one of those terrist-lovin’ hippies from Orygun, so you don’t have to listen to me.

In any event, I think that this kind of response to perceived unfairness by the media is really a case of two wrongs making a right, sort of like Fox News claiming it’s “fair and balanced,” not because it’s actually fair and balanced, but because everyone else isn’t “fair and balanced,” so it’s okay for them to distort everything through a right-wing lens.

So enough of that. There’s sufficient political polemic on a single page of Liberality for All to fill about ten of my own blog entries, so I’ll just let Mackey’s sterling scripting speak for itself. Everybody seated? Ready to begin? Here we go!

Liberality for All, Issue 1:

lfa_1_covera

Cover A… I kind of expected better from Larry Elmore, frankly.

LfA Issue One had two covers, in case you were a collector and planning on making a lot of money when it became a huge international bestseller. The first was created by the inestimable Donny Lin, and it’s not too bad. The second was by the great fantasy artist Larry Elmore (LARRY FREAKIN’ ELMORE had something to do with this fiasco? Holy shit…) and is actually not all that great. The Lin cover has some motion and dynamism to its portrayal of cyber-Sean Hannity and his friends, while the Elmore cover is downright static, with a lot of wasted space and slightly artificial poses. The G. Gordon Liddy character is supposed to be thundering along on his manly Harley, but as drawn he looks as if he’s just sitting in one place spinning his tires to produce smoke.

Our tale begins with some weasly-looking liberal type driving his car through the peaceful, freedom-loving streets of New York City, while listening to the Rush Limbaugh show. The Rushster is in the process of introducing his colleague, the insightful Sean Hannity, who will begin broadcasting “some time next year, in mid-September 2001″ and says he looks forward to joining the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” Just as Rush and Sean start making dark predictions about America’s grim future should liberal usurper Al Gore actually win the presidency (“…Let’s all pray, because without strong leadership, America’s future is doomed.” “As usual Rush, you’re exactly right! The course the liberal lefties have this country on is deadly!”) the driver swerves to miss a dog in the street, then plows into the rear of another car and explodes. The second car is clearly labeled “Corvair”, and the driver’s vehicle has a “Nader 2000″ sticker, but alas neither saves him, for by the time the FDNY arrives, the driver is toast.

Cover B... Honestly, some pretty decent work. Too bad the interiors aren't even close to this quality.

Cover B… Honestly, some pretty decent work. Too bad the interiors aren’t even close to this quality.

Meanwhile, the captions are forlornly wondering “God knows what events led us to where we are today. What was it? What was it that shifted power and leadership so far to the left? Was it one man, one event?”

Clearly we’re supposed to realize that something significant has happened, but it took my reading one of several interviews with Mackey on-line to actually figure out what it was, thick-skulled liberal traitor that I am. The driver was of course Ralph Nader, even though Donny Lin apparently had no idea what Ralph Nader looked like, and of course since he rear-ended a Corvair, his painful death has a sting of irony, as Ralph Nader wrote Unsafe at Any Speed, which many blame for destroying sales of the Corvair. Nothing like the brutal, agonizing death of a real, living individual to drive your point home is there, Mike?

(Of course none of the foregoing is mentioned anywhere in Issue One, so the prolog just kind of sits there in limbo with no actual connection to the rest of the story. A great start to a great comic series, huh?)

Suddenly, it’s a year later and we’re witness to one of the greatest tragedies that this nation has ever seen — the election of Al Gore as president.

Oops, sorry… I meant the 9/11 attacks, though you wouldn’t know it from Mackey’s writing, which is more geared toward baiting people he doesn’t agree with than to actually showing any empathy for the tragedy.

Nader

This is supposed to be a picture of Ralph Nader (see inset). The resemblance is uncanny, don’t you think?

Anyway, it seems that that librul bastard Al Gore was elected president because, of course, Ralph Nader died painfully, ironically and hilariously a year ago, and now the pot-smokers in Florida have no one to vote for. The next panel after the falling towers portrays President Gore (at least I think it’s President Gore… once more Donny Lin doesn’t seem to be very good at actually portraying living people) riding along the street in his bullet-proof popemobile, spouting platitudes to the ignorant masses.

“Let us first understand their motives,” the arch-traitor airly declares, his heart bleeding all over his expensive suit, “to help us avoid repeating the actions that caused these attacks. Time will help us forget this pain.”

Yes folks… Al Gore would have told us it was all our fault, and that we need to understand our attackers. Once more, thank God that that limp-wristed SOB was never elected, else Mike Mackey’s horrifying Orwellian vision of the future might have come true.

The scene ends with the image of an exhausted New York Fireman huddled against his truck in the shadow of the WTC’s wreckage, and the ominous caption “My father said that the smell of the aftermath at Ground Zero would never escape his memory… Nor the memories of anyone who dug through that immense grave. Maybe we all should have experienced it the way they did. Perhaps then we would not have forgotten.”

The caption now continues over scenes at a hospital where another fireman cradles his infant son. “My dad always said that I saved his life that day… I guess in a way, I did. He was at the hospital with me and mom. You see, it was the day I was born. Most of his friends died as heroes that day. Mom always said a part of dad did too.”

(By the way, have you ever noticed that conservatives always wax eloquent on the firemen and others who died on 9/11, but in all other instances they dismiss New York City as a cesspool of vice and liberalism? Funny how the only way you can get respect from certain right-wingers is to die…)

And now it’s two years later, December 2002 and some kind of bland-faced guy in a pink shirt is talking on the radio, saying “Welcome back to the Sean Hannity Show…”

Oops, it’s actually Sean Hannity. Once more, the character portrayed in the comic bears absolutely no resemblance to his real-life counterpart. For an artist whom Mackey describes as “a future artistic legend,” Donny Lin really needs to work on his portraiture. At first I thought it might be an evil Sean Hannity clone created in a lab by Al Gore and Rachel Maddow, but when he continues to speak, it’s clear that he’s the real McCoy.

Al Gore's Popemobile. Awesome ride.

Al Gore’s Popemobile. Awesome ride.

“I am telling you, folks; I need something to wake me from this nightmare, the nightmare of Al Gore’s presidency… It has been over a year, and what has President Gore done about 911? ZILCH! Al Gore’s liberal administration says negotiations with the fundamentalists are going well. I don’t care how madmen feel! I want them brought to justice, not negotiated with, not appeased! Al Gore’s radical, liberal agenda is robbing America of justice. Thanks, Al. Thanks for all the liberal fodder for my second book. I am going to call the book Injustice and Liberality for All.”

Great title, dude! Run with it!

As Heroic Hannity’s plea goes unheard across the liberal-dominated world, we now focus in on the secret lair of the overfiend himself, the diabolical Usama bin Laden, who continues to craft his nefarious schemes, untouched by the naive and foolish President Gore.

“The American government poses no threat now,” he cackles, looking over maps of the US. “We will negotiate with the infidels until our daggers are sharpest. However, we now have other enemies in America that (sic) must be dealt with.”

Press here if you want to amp the suspense up even further.

And so the plot is laid, the pieces are in place, and the the evil grows, unnoticed by anyone save the staff of Fox News…

It’s 19 years later and Usama has stopped by to visit his buddy Saddam Hussein, and his disgusting son Uday (since, of course, we didn’t have George W. Bush and Operation Iraqi Freedom to save us from his machinations). Never mind that Hussein and bin Laden despised each other, and that despite Darryl Whorley’s hit song, Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11 — no, this is the world of Liberality for All, and if Mike Mackey says that Saddam and bin Laden conspired against America together, well by GOD it must be true.

So bin Laden accepts a briefcase nuke from Uday and off he flies to New York City to address the U.N.

Did Sean Hannity EVER actually look like this?

Did Sean Hannity EVER actually look like this?

EGADS! What treachery is this??? America’s most hated and feared foe is being allowed to visit New York City? How can it be??? Such a travesty could only transpire if our beloved democracy as subverted, and handed over lock, stock and barrel, to a band of terrorist-loving traitors. Traitors like….

Liberals.

So as “Ambassador bin Laden” is eagerly ushered into the U.N. by his lickspittle traitor “American” guides, the captions eloquently begin again with the following exhortation:

“Throughout its history, America’s freedom cost hundreds of thousands of its bravest souls; they died to flame (sic) the torch of liberty… under the belief that their spilled blood would not be in vain. The price our benefactors paid purchased a tomorrow full of hope and peace to leave to their children… Peace which was won through strength, not negotiated through appeasement. What have we, the recipients of our forefathers’ sacrifice, done with that inheritance? The blood of millions has greased the collective war machine of history. And while there are many conflicting historical paradigms as to the best method to conduct and execute war… every teaching on warfare agrees on one principle each of us learned as children… which is: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

(Mind you, I have never found that particular dictum in the works of Sun Tzu, Tacitus or Frederick the Great, but maybe I haven’t been looking hard enough.)

So it is, proclaims the UN guy, who looks kind of like Bob Newhart, that “Today ushers in a new era of peace,” then introduces “one of the architects of that peace — the honorable… Ambassador Usama bin Laden.”

As the evil bin Laden takes the podium, we cut quickly to some other members of the UN, including France, Canada, Spain and Germany, who are all grinning and exulting. The guy from Germany looks particularly disturbing. Stupid non-Americans…

The greasy UN foreigners chuckle while bin Laden makes nice. Bad, wicked, NAUGHTY United Nations!

The greasy UN foreigners chuckle while bin Laden makes nice. Bad, wicked, NAUGHTY United Nations!

Bin Laden (who in reality would never have set foot anywhere near the United Nations) begins to speak, thanking Secretary General Jaques Chirac (Zing! Take that, French guy who didn’t support us in the Iraq War!), Vice President Michael Moore (Zing! Take that, fat documentarian who made an anti-George W. Bush movie!) and of course President Chelsea Clinton (Zing! Take that, person who is the daughter of a politician Mike Mackey doesn’t like!) for their spineless capitulation assistance in peace negotiations.

For you see, Ambassador bin Laden is here on a mission of peace. He intends to publicly apologize for what he (and the rest of the UN/Liberal-dominated world) refers to as the “misunderstanding” of 9/11. He will, he claims apologize on the 20th anniversary of the event.

Of course, being Usama bin Laden, he can’t be trusted and as we all know, he’s carrying a suitcase nuke and plans to destroy New York. Only the most naive, innocent and politically brain-dead moron could possible believe…

Oh, right. It’s the world of Liberality for All, and all us libruls blamed the US for 9/11 and desperately want to sing Kumbaya with the terrorists. I almost forgot.

“How forceful,” our still-unidentified narrator opines, “will the slap to our collective face need to be in order to bring us back to our senses?”

Pretty hard for some, I guess, but not for the pair outside the building who are busy defacing pro-UN propaganda posters. A handsome young man in a jeans vest with an embroidered eagle and the proud word “PATRIOT” and a hot, leggy redhead in a short skirt and a halter top emblazoned “Liberty Belles” (I love how no matter what a comic book’s politics are, some things never change) add “DO NOT” before the inspiring words “Support the UN”. With intellectual counterpropaganda like that, America will be free of foreign domination in no time, I guess.

Oh, that Liberty Belle ass... Rowrr...

Oh, that Liberty Belle ass… Rowrr…

The handsome couple’s date is cut short by the appearance of the police, clad in blue uniforms, with blue berets, who spout phrases like “Stop that! You Kriminell!” and “Sacre bleu; that’s just up the rue!” to show how non-American they are. Yes, the United Nations is now America’s police force, just like all us liberals wanted.

As the cute redhead is being dragged off she shouts, “Let me go, you blue pig!” Which brings up an interesting conundrum — why is it that a war protester who refers to the police as “pigs” is a traitor, while a hot redhead right-winger who uses the same language is a freedom fighter? What? Because when libs do something it’s wrong and when conservatives do exactly the same thing, it’s okay? Wait, you’re confusing me…

While this goes on, an overhead video screen broadcasts news such as, “… the capture of Michelle Malkin…” and “… has elevated Matt Drudge to the FBI’s number one most wanted criminal…”

(Keep an eye out here… Mackey drops a lot of names familiar to fans of right-wing blogs and talk shows. Whenever it’s a conservative, he or she is a martyr to freedom, while whenever it’s a liberal, he or she is a leader saying or doing something anti-American. Mackey’s satire is about as subtle and nuanced as a falling anvil.)

Never fear, true Americans… salvation is at hand, for nearby is the secret broadcast van of the cybernetic hero of freedom, Sean Hannity. When the UN goons realize that their arch-nemesis is nearby, they release the couple, who run of singing a little ditty, “Let freedom ringgg!!!, (sic) Let the white doves singggg!!! Let the whooole world know that this is a day of reckoninggggg!!!!” Apparently Ted Nugent is still alive and writing lyrics.

Sean Hannity, post cybernetics. If he looked like this on his show, I might watch more often.

Sean Hannity, post cybernetics. If he looked like this on his show, I might watch more often.

In his red-lit lair, Hannity (who STILL looks nothing like the real Hannity) begins his pirate broadcast while the diabolical forces of world government frantically try to triangulate on his signal.

“Folks, we fast approach the 20th anniversary of the Sean Hannity show. Many things have changed in the past two decades. But one thing that’s the same is, I am still here speaking for those who can’t.”

(Btw, when the hell did Hannity ever speak “for those who can’t”? My impression was that he spoke for those who couldn’t fucking shut up, but that’s just my opinion, and I clearly hate America.)

UN troops, under the command on one Gerhart Higgler (get it? He’s FOREIGN. From the U.N. That’s why he’s speaking a FOREIGN language and isn’t AMERICAN), close in on Sean’s van, and it looks as Liberality for All is going to end at Issue One, but don’t count a Fox News commentator out so quickly.

“And regarding the U.N. enforced FCC hate speech legislation?” Sean continues, “I’ll say it again! I will never obey any of the ‘Coulter Laws’!”

(Remember what I said? Now Anne Coulter’s name is dropped, because of course us liberals all want to censor and silence conservative speech, and we’ll name our censorious laws after her. Mind you, I’m still trying to find the speech where Al Gore advocated repealing the First Amendment. Keep those anvils falling, Mike!)

RealSean

Once more, Donny Lin’s likenesses to the real people are UNBELIEVABLE. It’s as if the real Sean Hannity just stepped out of the page…

So Sean’s format hasn’t changed too much — he’s still taking calls from listeners, and the first is from a “Lib” named Jeff. Uh-oh, Sean says sarcastically, I used the “L” word — guess I’m in trouble now… haw, haw, haw.

Needless to say Jeff is another deluded naif who has been blinded by the treachery of the mainstream media. “Ambassador bin Laden has become a man of peace,” he insists pathetically. “We should do like the UN says and trust that the truce will bring a peaceful future.”

Super-Sean is having none of it of course. He replies, “TRUST? Like America trusted Chelsea, Michael Moore and the lunatic liberal lefties? Bin Laden is speaking at the 20th anniversary of 9/11, for heaven’s sake. Look, Jeffie — you may have forgotten, President Chelsea and her unshaven miscreant of a vice president may have forgotten, but I will never forget what the terrorists did to me… and what the liberal left has done to our country… Our nation’s once mighty military conscripted into UN troops (sic)! God taken off our money and out of the Pledge of Allegiance [fun facts about America kids... the Pledge of Allegiance was written in 1898 by a Christian socialist named Francis Bellamy and was not adopted nationally until 1942; the words "under God" were only added to the pledge in 1954 at the insistence of the Knights of Columbus -- AP] not that anyone should swear allegiance to what the ‘new’ American flag represents!” (As one might expect, btw, the stars on the “old” American flag have been replaced by a UN logo, just like all us liberals have wanted for years.)

Sean hangs up in disgust and talks to his next caller, a “freedom fighter with the patriots” named Reagan (clang! Another anvil falls). How, as a freedom-loving REAL American, young Reagan asks, can he help out FOIL in its battle against UN tyranny? Why, by doing just what you’re doing, Super-Sean replies.

“The Freedom of Information League is not just composed of the few vocal conservatives left in America,” he continues, “FOIL represents all those who realize that America has fallen asleep and entered a nightmare. With each voice of reason shouting together, America can be awakened from its slumber. Reagan, you and your friends keep up the good fight; you’re a great American.”

Apparently all three black Republicans actually listen to the Sean Hannity show.

Apparently all three black Republicans actually listen to the Sean Hannity show.

“Thank you, sir,” replies young Reagan as he hangs up. “We will.”

Oh my GOD — Reagan is the guy who almost got busted for spray-painting the UN poster! The irony! And while I’m on the subject, where’s the cute right-wing chick in the short skirt and the halter top? I want to see more of her.

All this time, the UN thugs are closing in on Cyber-Sean, but he’s not worried. He closes his broadcast (which must have lasted all of three minutes) with the inspiring words, “Remember, FOIL is here for you folks, and let not your hearts be troubled; the true America will return!”

I also forgot to mention that the talky captions have continued through all of this, with our still-unnamed narrator blathering on and on. The captions are sprinkled at random across numerous panels, interfering with the action and flow of the story, and their commentary is so disjointed that it’s all but impossible to figure out what they’re actually saying. I’ll include his entire spiel here, but you really don’t have to read more than the first couple of sentences:

“What will it take for all of us to listen for that voice in the wilderness? Once upon a time, Americans understood the meaning of sacrifice. The benefactors of all we held precious volunteered to be targets in war after war, and if they survived, they said, ‘I was just doing my duty… Just doing my job.’ [Unless of course they were John Kerry, in which case he faked his injuries and wasn't a real hero like Glenn Beck or Anne Coulter or Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh... Oh, wait... None of them served in the military? Never mind -- AP] Such honor is a concept that many who grew up in their shadow fail to comprehend or appreciate. They became an ignorant generation which failed to separate their benefactors’ heroism from humility. However, there were a few who understood. But the ignorant majority said, ‘They were just doing their duty… Doing their jobs.’ The generation I grew up in felt entitled to freedom and rights which they did not earn. Without paying the price of their own blood, many felt, by providence or design, that they somehow deserved the rewards they were born with… Or worse, having never fought or sacrificed, these rewards seemed as abundant and invisible as the air around them. And like that air, it was only missed when its precious supply was taken away. That which is given and not earned is seldom appreciated. Like spoiled children, we squandered our fortune of freedom and liberty and were shocked when it was gone. Now that generation of fools stands on the shoulders of giants and, with outstretched arms laden with wanton (sic) bowls of entitlement, unashamedly asks… ‘Please, sir, I want some more.’ Those who fought for our rights etched, then eroded, a path of destiny for this country to plow. The turbulent current that boldly swept this country through time… has been diverted by poor leadership. The flow of freedom that welled forth from our nation’s capitol has stagnated into the dank swamp of its geologically historic roots. Many liberties have been lost there, pulled down to the murky depths. But America can rise forth (sic) and return to her greatness again. It will take bravery, ingenuity and the right heroes, determined to make it happen.”

Can someone please tell me what is happening in this panel?

Can someone please tell me what is happening in this panel?

OKAY, I GET THE MESSAGE BUT HOLY CHRIST WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP????

While the narrator is busy demonstrating the meaning of the word “logorrhea”, Sean is preparing for the assault of the UN lackeys, and communicating with his friends, Oscar and G-Man. When the blue-beret clad troops burst through the doors of his van, Sean doesn’t waste any time, lashing out with his gleaming cyber-arm, grabbing one of their (clearly European-designed) automatic rifles, then zapping them with a charge of incapacitating, red, white and blue energygenerated by GOOD OLD AMERICAN HYDROELECTRIC POWER!

He then escapes by ripping through the roof of his own broadcast van (hopefully he has a large number of replacements in storage), shouting “IT’S CRUNCH TIME!” (Sorry, Sean — I knew Ben Grimm. Ben Grimm was a friend of mine. And you’re no Ben Grimm.)

Now the action and writing get extremely confusing, but I think I know what happens next. While a shadowy figure on a motorcycle leaps from an adjoining building, Sean downloads the “deactivation codes” for the UN guards rifles (you see, since the UN made us register all our firearms, they also implanted chips that allow the authorities to deactivate weapons, and also — gasp — chips that prevent anyone but a weapon’s authorized user from firing it… The horrors of UN tyranny once more rear their ugly heads), then calmly stands while the wicked UN troops place him under arrest (“for violations of FCC hate crime legislation and crimes against the United Nations government” of course) and his motorcycle-riding friend lands on the roof of his van.

Sean hands his bald and moustacioed buddy a rifle he took from a guard. The savage UN guy below (who looks kind of like Richard O’Brien from Rocky Horror) tells him “Put down the gun, Herr Liddy.”

Madness takes its toll...

Madness takes its toll…

Yup, it’s conservative hero, G. Gordon Liddy, who once did dirty work for president Richard M. Nixon, organized and led a series of burglaries targeting Democratic party locations, and served 52 months in prison for burglary, conspiracy and refusal to testify. If ever there was a freedom-loving defender of liberty, it was this man, people.

(And I know it’s petty of me, but in the year 2021, G. Gordon Liddy will be 90 years old. Of course, Mike Mackey has an answer for that, and I’ll get to it later. And one more thing — Lin’s art makes Liddy’s forehead appear to be about a foot tall.)

GGL accepts the gun and scans it with his amazing cybernetic implants.

“The XM-9,” he muses, bravely oblivious to the UN goons who now surround him. “You know, I evaluated the XM-8 for the NRA. Before the organazation was officially disbanded. So many cold, dead hands.” CLANG! Anvils are falling like rain. “It shoots fine, but I hate all this electronic gun control junk.”

Of course you hate it, G. Gordon — because you’re a REAL AMERICAN!

“I’ve always found the best gun control,” he finishes puckishly, “was by (sic) using two hands!”

Well, the UN goons are all foreigners, so they have no appreciation for such subtle American humor (and are probably confused by Liddy’s fucked-up grammar), so the commander tells Liddy, “We both know you can not even load a round if you are not the gun’s authorized user.”

How tall would you reckon Liddy's skull is? At least 14 inches I'd say...

How tall would you reckon Liddy’s skull is? At least 14 inches I’d say…

Of course, this is nonsense, as G. Gordon quickly tells them. Those nasty liberal user-control chips are very easy to reprogram, and also to remotely deactivate (if you have cybernetically-implanted head lasers, of course, which the ancient but surprisingly spry G. Gordon has), and finally…

“It’s not a gun!” he triumphantly declares. “It’s called a weapon or rifle. You should respect it. Even if it’s made in France.”

ZING! Score! Take that, snail-eating Gallic George W. Bush non-supporters!

Stung by Liddy’s bold taunting, the UN troops allow their quarry to escape, leaping from the back of the van and onto the freedom-loving streets of New York (well, only freedom-loving if they have a Republican mayor, which they DON’T). As they drive away, the Richard O’Brien-looking German guy pulls what looks like a Luger and fires, hitting Cyber-Sean in his cyber-arm.

As the Freedom Duo flees, Sean manages to get his arm working long enough to fire off a massive EMP pulse (“THOOM” — was ACC paying Jack Kirby’s estate royalties for the sound effects, I wonder?) that knocks out all the UN’s pursuit vehicles and provides our heroes with a clean getaway.

So that’s about it for issue one. Cyber-Sean and Cyber-G. Gordon escape to a weirdly-shaped submarine that apparently cruises around under the Hudson River, then arrive at their secret underwater base, where Oscar (the guy who built their implants, I guess) waits along with Sean’s lovable pooch Marty, a super-computer complex and a number of super-minions, who tell our heroes that — yes — the evil and treacherous bin Laden’s brought a suitcase nuke to NYC.

I think I made Issue One of Liberality for All sound a hell of a lot more complex than it actually was. In the end, it’s a typical self-published comic — the writing is poor, the narrative is hard to follow, the action is fragmented, the art is at best passable, and the grammar is appalling. At least all the words appear to be spelled correctly.

What REALLY happened to bin Laden. That whole Obama-Seal-Team-Six-commando-raid-Pakistan thing is just a bunch of left-wing propaganda.

What REALLY happened to bin Laden. That whole Obama-Seal-Team-Six-commando-raid-Pakistan thing is just a bunch of left-wing propaganda.

We end up with a letters column, which since this is Issue One, is either made up, or taken from e-mails.

The lead-off letter notes that LfA is getting all sorts of mainstream media attention, and wonders why it the comic industry isn’t paying attention. This of course gives Mike Mackey a chance to spout off, suggesting that there is a liberal conspiracy in the comic industry to keep people from reading or collecting his book.

(A possible answer might be because the mainstream media doesn’t know shit from shinola, and are reporting on LfA because it’s controversial, not because it’s a good comic. The industry might be ignoring LfA for the same reason it routinely ignores other indie comics — either because a) they’re indie comics, not produced by major publishers, or b) because they suck donkey dicks. In the case of Liberality for All, I think both reasons are a very real possibility.)

Mackey then takes on his liberal critics, and boy does he mop the floor with them. Like me, the first wonders whether LfA is serious or a work of satire, saying “Either you are a brilliant mind, knowing that dumb*** conservatives will buy this so they can have their persecution fantasies stoked, while liberals will buy it for the hilarity… or, you yourself are the aforementioned conservative mind and need serious help.”

That’s pretty much what I thought when I first heard of the book, but Mike Mackey’s insightful reply quickly slashes his first liberal foe to ribbons.

“Yes,” he replies. “I need serious help. Won’t someone… Please… Help me?”

Well played, sir! This battle of wits is over!

Mackey’s next ultra-liberal critic says, “I was struck by the broad assumptions you have made. You assume that a liberal government is Orwellian when in fact traits from 1984 exist today in the Bush administration. (For the sake of brevity I will summarize the gist of his other 200 word commentary (sic), to a mere 9… Bush is a liar, Hallburton, no WMD’s, Abu Ghraib)”

The parenthesized section is Mackey, of course, since there is at least one glaring grammatical error. His reply to this laughably sad critic is pure Mike Mackey gold:

Ah! Go hug a tree, ya bleedin heart!

Liddy

Oh my GOD… He’s GORGEOUS, big forehead and all!

We get letters from a couple more fans and a couple more critics, along with more of Mackey’s insightful wit and biting sarcasm. To round out the book we get a couple pages of color art, one portraying Cyber-Sean (at least I THINK it’s cyber-Sean… once more I can’t quite recognize the character because I’m looking at him through rose-colored hippy glasses while eating my granola and presiding over a gay marriage ceremony) throttling Osama with his cyber-arm, and the other showing 90-year old, but oh-so-sexy hunk G. Gordon Liddy riding his hot, manly motorcycle and riposting with his hot, manly fencing foil (FOIL, get it?). I wonder at a comic that promotes conservative values, yet portrays one of its characters in such a starkly homoerotic fashion, but no matter.

From the get-go, Liberality for All comes across like a propaganda magazine produced at a barbed-wire enclosed compound deep in the Idaho panhandle. Its satire is inept and ham-handed, its art is at best high school level, and it approaches its subject matter with a ludicrously self-important level of deadly seriousness, as if Liberality for All is one of the most important documents in the history of American political thought. In the end, it comes down to a simple message — liberals bad, conservatives good (“Oh yeah?” I hear Mike Mackey bellowing. “What’s so wrong with that?”)

And oh, yeah… the whole 90-year-old G. Gordon Liddy problem? In an interview, Mackey mentions this and informs the interviewer that Liddy, Hannity and the still-unseen Oliver North have all been given regenerative nanite treatments that keep them young. In fact, he tells us, G. Gordon Liddy is actually immortal! Perhaps this also explains Liddy’s grotesquely oversized melon-like cranium…

So in the end, the most diabolical villains that Mackey could come up with among American liberals were Chelsea Clinton and Michael Moore (no, seriously — Michael fucking Moore… Does anyone even pay attention to that guy anymore?), and the only hope that America has is an immortal, invincible, cybernetically-enhanced convicted criminal G. Gordon Liddy (a figure whose real political career ended decades ago), a partisan and demagogic TV news commentator and another convicted criminal (Ollie North). If they’re the best we have, I guess the terrorists really did win.

More next post. Stay tuned for the exciting Issue Two!